Why Being A Female Sucks When It Comes To Dieting 

So last week was THAT time of the month.
THAT time each month where I spontaneously burst in to tears throughout the day over cute puppies on Facebook … chipping my nail varnish… running out of tea bags… ya know,  the usual.
ANYTHING is capable of leaving me a blubbering wreck for the better part of the day.
This, shortly followed by an incesscant intolerance of all living things. The wrath of menstruation should come with a warning “It’s not really your fault, it’s the hormones- approach with severe caution or come back in a few days”
Hell hath no fury like a woman on her period and it’s safe to say I am one sarcastic, moody, volatile fucker to be around (for want of a better phrase).
I remember this one time having a blazing row with my ex because he’d left his dirty socks next to the laundry basket
… yes ladies…
NEXT!!!…  to the laundry basket (You’re rolling your eyes with a ‘I hear ya sista’, right!?)
Seriously though, how hard is it to lift the lid and put them in for God’s sake!!
So in all fairness, he was asking for it
Now, any other day I’d have muttered some expletives under my breath, put them in the laundry basket myself and carried on with my day.
But this wasn’t any ordinary day. He was going down!
Anyway, we’d been together that long that he’d developed this weird sixth sense … a bit like spidey-sense… but for periods.
And this, luckily for him, saved his bacon on a number of occasions, as any hormone instigated argument was brought to an abrupt end by a single sentence.
So, to set the scene…
I’m stood, in the midst of a 360 head spin ‘The power of Christ compels you’ hormonal meltdown, on the landing and he looks at me wide eyed and calmly comes out with…
“You’re on the blob aren’t you“
… I mean SERIOUSLY who says that!?
That’s got to be up there in the top 5 most innapropriate euphemisms for menstruation of all time!!!
Now ladies, apart from ‘eurgh’, I know what you’re thinking
That’s some big cahoona’s for ya .. cause that sentence right there could have tipped a raging, hormonal bitch over the edge.
So I stopped in my tracks, taken back, cause that was not what I was expecting.
I did, however realize that I was in fact, stood on the landing having a full blown toddler tantrum over a pair of sweaty socks. Which, by all accounts, was pretty ridiculous, so to his relief, I laughed.
Risky business though, right?
He was lucky he got to keep said cahoonas ’cause that situation could have gone either way…
So after the day of hormonal rage follows the day I can be found star fished in a sugar induced coma, surrounded by several empty chocolate bar wrappers and face planted in a box of Krispy Kreme dohnuts.
It’s tragic.
Anyhoooo, there is a point to me filling you in about my monthly lady cycle.
At the moment I’m working on shredding my body fat down (more on that later) and I was dreading this 2 day stint of craving because the harsh reality is this..
A pizza and a tub of ice cream can set you back  a good 7 days of hard graft.
So the crying came on Sunday at the penguin advert …
Yes THAT penguin advert! I wouldn’t be bothered but I’ve seen it a million times and I don’t even like penguins (Yes I said it) sorry, but I don’t.
So this was it…  the big one…  Monday…
Monday came and there was no sugar induced coma… I was going strong!!! … until I got home from the gym around 8 pm…
If I’d have known what was to follow I’d have gone upstairs to my office there and then to staple my mouth shut for the rest of the week…
Monday: Half a litre of Hagaan Daaz
Tuesday: Ginger bread latte and Walnut cake (Damn you Costa)
Wednesday: 8 ginger nut biscuits (yes, in one sitting… yes, I am ashamed)
Thursday: 2 Krispy Kreme dohnuts (Went in for ax xmas tree came out with a pull up bar and dohnuts- no xmas tree)
Saturday: 3 course Indian, G&T x2 and a glass of wine
Sunday: Krispy Kreme dohnut and 2 x Rocky biscuits at Nana Pat’s
…but guess what…
I still lost 1 lb of fat
…and I’m gunna tell you how very soon, so hang in there…
This is the thing, I drum a particular philosophy in to my clients from the moment they start their journey with me
 So the pretty simple philosophy is this…
“Don’t turn a bad day in to a bad week”
Ok, so THAT is not what I did last week- it was a pretty bad week in relation to my goals
But I did flip it with
“Dont turn a bad meal in to a bad day”
Now, just because I had a shit ‘meal’ it didn’t mean this had to impact on my full day or the hard graft I’ve been putting in leading up to this shitty week. My goal at the moment is fat loss whilst maintaining as much muscle mass as possible.
Now, what you’ve got to understand here is this…
The science of fat metabolism, in very basic terms, boils down to energy expenditure.
Which essentially,  is calories in vs calories out
.. FACT!
Now before any ‘king of the shit head’ know it all’s’ chirp up ’cause you always get one who has nothing better to do than totally misinterpret what you’re saying (meow)
I am not in any way condoning the baaaaaad things I did with simple carbs of no nutritional value last week.
Nor am I saying… haha look at me I can eat shit and still stay in decent shape… Because I most deffo can bloody not.
This is not how you should eat.
And you most definitely should not base a diet around Krispy Kreme consumption (how amazing would that be if you could though)!!
 What I am saying is this..
The fact is we’re human, this shit’s gunna happen from time to time.
We relapse on diets. We all have bad days where all of a sudden we find ourselves stood in the kitchen mixing butter and sugar together to make butter cream icing then eating it with nothing but an index finger out of the bowl because there are no sugary treats in the cupboards (yes I am ashamed to say I actually did this once).
“Hello my name is Charlotte and I’m a sugaraholic”.
So here’s where I flipped it…
Even though I fucked up most days with my nutrition, I made sure that ALL my other meals fit the macros I was shooting for to achieve my end of week goal so I was still in the calorie deficit that I needed to be in to shred fat.
It meant training a bit more but definitely not starving myself because I know how important quality and valuable nutrition is in order to maintain muscle mass- and that’s where people go wrong!
Luckily for me, I know what I’m doing, and I bloody should cause it’s my frikkin job! I research, I study it, look up things I don’t know and evidence what I’m doing with myself and clients. So I know the ins and outs of nutrition and training but for people who don’t, this is where they fuck up and don’t get results.
Not only is there conflicting info about nutrition and exercise everywhere – the majority of which really is total bullshit. But people are also in this mindset that they can’t go outside the boundaries of a salad for each meal and what they deem as ‘health food’ each day.
And when they do they punish them selves with the guilt of failure and bag the full thing off all together!
But that’s not what it’s about!
As a team my clients and I do ALOT of work around mindset (AKA sorting your shit out) because there’s so much more going on behind ‘goals’ and ‘barriers’ than people realise, which I’m going to be blogging about next week.
So many people have an emotional attachment to food, an unhealthy relationship with it or are just plain stuck in the past 50 years or so when everyone was harping on about ‘low fat this and low fat that’ and eating nothing but processed carbs and adding sugar to everything… get with the times… educate yourself.
Our nation is at the fattest, unhealthiest and most ill its’ ever been.. and why? misinformation from big consumer companies.
You know what kinda gains big consumer companies make? …Nope, not my favourite kinda gains… Capital gains. They are out to make as much money as possible, selling products to an uneducated fat nation that they know is crying out for help, so they market to them…
Special K diet… Zero nutritional value but of course you’re gunna loose weight over the one week you can stick to it because if you follow it your gunna be in a major calorie defeceit but your body composition is gunna be awful. Not to mention that level of starvation is totally unsustainable… cue the aformentioned guilt trip binging
Juice Plus … A bunch of uneducated ‘wellness coaches’ (what even are they) without a single clue about nutrition in a pyramid scheme business who are brainwashed by this … wait for it… Big consumer company to sell products to a fat nation who know just about as much regarding the value of real food as much as their ‘wellness coach’.
A ‘wellness coach’ once evn tried to convince me that the powdered shakes aren’t processed and only contain fruit and veg.
If I could raise one eyebrow I would have but instead the question of ‘Ok can you PLEASE explain to me what all these ingredients are on the back of the tub and how all these 565768697 fruits and vegetables that are claimed to be the only ingredient in here were made in to powdered form without being processed?’
… She couldn’t
… shock
Chocolate philidelphia … 95% fat free but a shit load of sugar. I’m pretty sure last time I checked cheese fell in to the ‘fats’ category, so if there’s no fat in there then what the hell is?
In the 1950’s smoking was also marketed by big consumer companies as being ‘Good for you’
Ya get what I’m saying chico?
…  think about it.
With my clients I ask that they gauge food consumption with an app which accumulates calories and their individual macro percentages (fats, proteins, carbs) from their tailored diet plan- it really is pretty clever – and it keeps them on track.
If they fuck up it means getting their asses back in the gym more than they’d usually train or slightly adapting their diets but at the end of the week, if they’ve done what they’re told and follow what I say they’re pretty frikkin happy and one step closer to achieveing a goal… usually followed by ‘Wow you were right!’
Course I’m fucking right- I’m a woman 😉