The crazy ex girlfriend- a memoir

“I Gotta long list of ex lovers.. Who’ll tell you I’m insane” 

The day I heard that song lyric, was the day I realised that Taylor Swift, is in fact, my spirit animal. 

Yep, if there’s a single song lyric that encompasses the one thing that every girl can relate to, that’s the one. 

We hear ya, Hun… We hear ya.  

 

Now I don’t know whether this is just me but whenever I hear a guy refer to his ex girlfriend as ‘mental’, my inner  bitch  monologue immediately does an internal eye roll.. 

And I’m not afraid to say that I’m TEAM CRAZY EX when it comes to this shit. 

Cause if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my (almost) 30 years on this Earth… 

 It’s this.. 

You’re always the villain in someone else’s story…  

 Especially that of an angry, bitter ex. 

 

Don’t believe me? 

You’ve seen the film Maleficent, right?  

 I mean the Mother. Fucker cuts off her wings and goes off bonking some barely legal wench  who looks like she can’t even give a proper blow job. 

 (Yep, sorry Disney, that’s the poignant and moralistic message I took away from your Family Friendly film- MEH) 

 

Anyhow, I digress.. 

Now, just to give you some perspective before I get to the JUICY part of this tale and all the revenge bodies that I’ve been privy to.. 

My friend’s ex told the whole of his Facebook this… 

 

“So she turns up at my house crying with mascara down her face, a boom box on her shoulder playing dramatic music and throwing cake at my window so I had to lock myself in the house away from the crazy bitch”

 

Yes I know…   

Hilarious, right!? 

 

Absolute God’s honest truth.  

I am not kidding you.
That’s what he said. 

I saw it with my own two eyes on Facebook..  Yep, proper stand up kinda guy. 

 

Now let me tell you how I knew immediately that this wasn’t true, even before I’d spoken to my friend regarding potential cake massacre 

 

Number one.. 

Who the fuck owns a boom box?  

 Number two.. 

 How many women do you know who waste cake? 

 

EXACTLY. 

 I can tell you, hand on heart, I have never met a man who hasn’t deserved absolutely everything he got.  

 

You reap what you sow, Boo Boo.

So when I spied a pic on Facebook of some girl who’d defaced her fella’s car by writing ‘Cheater’ all over it in lipstick..

I almost smiled. 

 Ya know that smile, that sadistic smile that us in the Mental Bitches club can pull.

Almost..

 But it was short lived by a sincere pang of disappointment at the fact that this lipstick wielding amateur is letting the side down. 

I mean…
Lipstick?
Really? 

Bitch please, is that really the best you’ve got? 

Now I’ll be honest, I personally wouldn’t have lipstick’d it on.

Oh no.

I’d have scratched it in with a key
On every door..
And the boot… 

Then put dog shit under his door handles. 

Then probs burnt his house down for good measure.
(Soz about that, Hun)

 

Personal preference I suppose… 

 Partly because I’m an evil, sadistic, satan- spawned bitch from the deepest darkest pit of hell

(or so I’m told)  

… And partly because I don’t know if I have it in me to waste my lipstick collection on this massive Knob head.

 

The same calibre of man, so it seems, that deserved the deformation of his fishing trophy, amidst my friend’s mother of all ‘mental ex gf’ meltdowns. 

Yep, I know.
That’s EXACTLY what I thought.

 They give out trophies for fishing?  

 Apparently so. 

*I think it must be a bit like when they would give out a prize for ‘joining in’ with the egg and spoon race at Primary School so people didn’t feel left out for being shit at everything else*

Who knows.  

 Anyway… 

 I, for one,  have been the ‘mentalist’ on a number of occasions.

I won’t go in to the sheer level of lunatic that I am but just to summize..

A mental, lying, thieving, bi polar head case who isn’t fit to look after her own son. 

Yep, I know…

Charming.  

(And also not true) 

Now, what these  stupid mofo’s conveniently fail to mention when they’re diagnosing your mental illness all over their social media, is in fact, what the arseholes have done to make you seriously contemplate how long you’d get in the slammer if you strung  him up by his balls, using nothing but his fishing rod… 

 

  • Maybe he’s been sticking his oar in someone else’s pink canoe whilst professing his undying love for you. 
  • Maybe he’s been bonking someone in your bed then lied about it. 
  • Maybe you’ve found snapchats to his work colleague which leads you to launch his fishing trophy across the room, just missing his head (That you definitely 100% didn’t aim for) 
  • Maybe the fucker leaves his socks next … Next… To the washing basket 
  • Maybe you are in a three way relationship with the woman who still practically breastfeeds him – who calls the shots on his entire life …Listen, I’ve heard them all, Honey. 

And let’s face it, you have two choices here.

Wallow in your self pitty.

OR

Harness that shit and turn it into something productive.

As a female focussed personal trainer I’ve been privy to ALOT of Revenge Bodies. And I’m happy for you to make of that what you will but there’s something REALLY fucking special that ignites change when you FINALLY  release negativity and do something to better yourself.

And, nothing says SCREW YOU MADDA FAKKKAAA like being in the best shape of your life and not giving a single shit.

 Anyhooo… 

Back to being crazy..

It’s basic science … ‘Cause and effect’ 

You, Dickhead, are the cause.

And I (AKA  ‘the mental bitch from hell’) …  am the effect of your behaviour, a woman scorned being tipped over the edge.

Now let’s just analyse this whole thing for a second … 

Fair enough, Hun,  all of a sudden, completely out of the blue, you stand up and set fire to your sofa for no apparent reason.
You crazy, Home girl.

But in any other circumstance their ain’t no smoke without fire and let’s face it.. 

Isn’t it easier to diagnose someone with a mental illness than to own up to your shitty behavior.

 

Personally, I wish I’d have known this sooner… 

“Charlotte why is your French teacher telling me that if you don’t ‘pull your socks up’ and pass you’re French GCSE your going to end up on the dole?” 

“Because, mum, she’s clearly a fucking basket case… That’s why” 

….  

Anyway… 

 

I got you.

Let’s just take a moment to close our eyes and bow our heads to reflect upon all the fuck-tards  that mental bitches like us everywhere around the world have had to endure, yet managed to escape the clutches of (HALLELUJAH) and keep them in our prayers, along with all the lucky bastards who get to meet us in the very near future. 

The word according to Christ, 

Thanks be to God, 

 

The Power of Christ compels you. 

 

Amen MUTHA fuckers.

A-men  

Love Lottie ‘Going back to hell, where I belong Too Hottie

xxx

2018-10-15T16:04:54+00:00