Relationship Goals, Gone Girls and ‘Shouldy’ Behaviour..
The love of your life.
The man who fathered your beautiful little Angels.
You go on this amazing nine month journey, together, as a team, posting cute pics on your Facebook of your (hashtag) amazingman, as he kisses your rotund belly and does all kindsa cute baby related shizzle. You gush with pride at your real life Prince- Charming-Baby-Daddy and what an amazing father you can picture in your mind.
For me, the pinnacle moment of this magnificent journey with my other half..
The part that REALLY brought us together?
Was lying next to the man who’s given me my two most precious gifts, the one who has been there with me through the joyous baby boy news, the first kicks, the cankles…
The bump kisses.
The foot massages.
The I’m just gunna sit there wide eyed through the hormormal rage and hope it goes away facial expressions.
So there I am, lying in bed staring at my fella’s little face at 2am as he’s sound asleep.
Tiny bit of dribble on his chin.
Not a care in the world.
As I wistfully find myself thinking..
I would literally love nothing more.
Than to punch you in the f*cking throat.
In a world of post baby hashtags of ‘Relationship Goals’, there was me, with an overpowering urge to knock my fella’s lights out.
Should I be ashamed that Gone Girl was my “Go To” maternity book?
Now, it’s important to point out that this didn’t just pop up outta no where and partner resentment is something I hear A LOT from the Mums that I train, regardless of how old their kids are.
So thank the Lord that occasionally fantasizing about burying you other half under the patio because he was home half an hour late, is an actual thing..
“Where have you been?”
“I just nipped for my hair cut..”
Followed by a rational conversation, right?
OBVIOUSLY I do what any other normal hormonal woman would do..
Storm into one’s kitchen, bang some cupboard doors and proceed to clean all worktops in an inappropriately aggressive manner, whilst mutter expletives of rage under one’s breath…
Ohhhh. you just nipped?
You just. F*cking. NIPPED to get your hair cut, yeah?
Well, I’ll tell you what, knob head..
I’ve cooked this baby for nine months, been sliced and diced like a cow in a butchers to get him out, sat at home within 4 walls all day because I’m too tired to go anywhere, not to mention my nipples are sore as f*ck and I’ve had a baby dangling off my pap, on demand, at least 5 times today.
I feel like shit. I look like shit.
And can’t even shave my vag in peace..
YOU… just nipping here, popping there, not a care in the world…
“Babe? are you ok?”
“YES. BABE. Everything is just fucking fine isn’t it?” **
*** Cue wide eyed hormonal rage face ***
Now, I’d just like to point out that I love both my babies and, when I’m not plotting his demise for being half an hour late home, I love my fella very much too.
But the post baby situation is hard and it ain’t all ‘relationship goals’.
For a lot of the mums I train, whether they have new babies, toddlers, even the ones that have kids that are teens and beyond, something I hear a lot is this..
“I lost my self when I had my kids”
Now, don’t get this confused, these women LOVE their kids beyond belief and they are, unquestionably, the best little things that have ever happened to them… But it was only yesterday I was talking to one of my Mamas about how she felt she’d lost her own identity post baby, and I totally get it..
Something I learnt post baby, and a mantra that serves me well to this day, is this..
The Queen eats first.
The queen is me, FYI.
Now, here’s the (unfortunate) general consensus..
“Well that’s selfish, your kids should come before anything. You’re kids come first.. shame on you blah blah”
And I get it.
It’s the done thing.
It’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do, right?
It’s the ‘shouldy’ behaviour rearing it’s ugly head.
I often find, there’s a certain amount of shame attached to what you ‘should’be doing ..
Putting yourself after everyone else (even if that means neglecting your own needs and how you feel about yourself).
Relationship goal hashtags (even when you feel like burying the poor sod in the garden)..
Not being the mum that ‘does it all’.
The guilt that you didn’t feed your kids organic everything.
Your body not immediately pinging back to pre baby like everyone else’s seems to.
Going back off maternity too late.. too early.
Deciding not to work.. go back full time.. go back part time.
Breast feeding for too long… not long enough … and Heaven forbid you bottle feed your kids.
**You should be grateful that you can even conceive at all.. so you shouldn’t feel like that .. shouldn’t talk about that… shouldn’t put yourself first…**
Shame. On. you.
So, what do we do?
We don’t talk about it..
Because we’re worried more about offending someone, somewhere with the reality of how we feel, and actually addressing the shame that comes with it…
Now, Interestingly, in my FREE Sistahood Facebook group I asked the question last week of..
“What is your number one priority”
Do you know, not one single person.. Not even one.. said themselves.
Not one answered with ‘Me, I am my number one priority’
One even said ‘My Dog’.
Now, again, I get it, but here’s why The Queen eats first in my house..
If I feel like shit about my self?
If I’m knackered?
If my Inner Bitch is doing backflips with negative self talk based around shame and ‘shouldy’ behavior?
If I’m comparing myself to everyone else’s ‘relationship goals’?
If I’m not taking time out for some ‘me time’?
If I’m neglecting my workouts?
If I’m not eating so well?
If I’m not putting myself FIRST?
Then how can I parent my kids properly?
How can I have a loving relationship when I don’t even feel like I love myself?
How can I be a good role model to my kids when I’m stressed and short with them.
How can I be productive and not feel like I’m not just constantly treading water?
So, my invitation to you today is to stop treating exhaustion and perfectionism as a status symbol and take some time to work on yourself.
To prioritise YOU.
Whatever that looks like, on your own terms.
If ya feel like you need some help, maybe some support and guidance to get you started?
You can check out my Breakthrough Appointment here and we can chat about how to help you find yourself again, Homegirl.