Let’s get to Know Each other
So this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you that I pride myself on being the uber professional personal trainer extraordinaire..
That I love all things sports, health and fitness, I don’t ever ‘cheat’ on my diet or eat ‘bad foods’ (What ever that means)
That I don’t ever drink wine.. or gin.. or eat doughnuts…
That my body’s a temple and all I do is eat green shit and dry chicken out of tupperware (Then make sure I post about all the gains it’s giving me on Facebook)
Unfortunately, Hun, that jus’ ain’t me…
I’m an ‘all in moderation’ kinda gal
An enjoy yo’ life kinda woman
An anti diet culture filly
A LOVE your body kinda chick
So, instead of boring you to death with some fake ‘professional’ bullsh**, I’m gunna share with you some lessons I’ve learned, which have got me to the point I’m at now…
Mum of two, lifter of weights, eater of doughnuts, finder of Mojo’s and Sass… partial to a gin.. or two
And the mantra that I’ve adopted in the process
“Treat life like a dog.. No matter what it throws at you, kick some grass over that sh** and move the f*** on”
So here goes…
1. Always have a back up plan
For 8 years I taught kids dance and fitness in schools, where I learned that everybody, no matter how little, has the right to an opinion.
I also learned that no matter how many times I told said little people my name, they always liked their own version better…
Miss Curtis (understandable)
Mr. Curtis (Mister.. really?? …. C’mon)
…but my favourite
Misty Curtis (If all else fails I’ll be taking that to the strip club with me)
2. It’s good to be a woman of many talents
I used to work part time in sexual health where I spent my days looking at crusty genitals and sniffing condoms with teenagers. Ever find yourself with Gonorrhoea… Give me a shout.
3. Everything in moderation
I love cake .. and dohnuts… A few months ago I had a really REALLY shitty week and thought it’d be a good idea to eat a full dozen box of Krispy Kremes in less than 24 hours to make myself feel better.. you know the only thing I felt afterwards?? …FAT!!!
4. The police have never heard of accidentally on purpose
When I was 14 I threw a house party for some of my friends (which turned in to half of the town) whilst my parents were away. This resulted in a paramedic visit to a guy who had been spiked with laxatives and was unconscious on my bathroom floor in a pool of his own excrement …You can imagine the state of my mum’s cream bathroom carpet.
A girl falling in our pond, our cat going missing for three weeks and a telling off from a police man- who I’d ‘accidentally’ (that was my defense) told I was eighteen, when he turned up to the disturbance …oh and someone pissing in my mums plant pot which did indeed kill her prized Yuka plant… All made for a serious bollocking, followed by missing out on six months of my teenage social life.
5. Get your priorities straight
I’m always late to social events … better to arrive late than ugly I say!
6. Your mum knows.. even when she doesn’t know… she knows
I had this boyfriend when I was 15 who my mum couldn’t stand, when I asked her why she didn’t like him, she replied with “I can’t quite put my finger on it but I just don’t like him…. and his trainers are too clean” … He did infact turn out to be a total douchetard, ever since I’ve always been wary of anyone with pristine trainers.
7. Personality.. I like that sh**!
I used to be a TV extra for Granada TV and Holly Oaks where I met a ton of male models – sounds great right? … WRONG… the most boring, up tight and pretentious bunch of princesses I’ve ever come across. Seriously, they ain’t lying when they say looks aren’t everything.
PS.. Ridiculously early mornings. Long hours. Shit pay … not as glamorous as it sounds, although Calvin from Hollyoaks – remember him? – Did one time offer me his hot water bottle on a cold day outside Nosh #Truelove
8. Imagination (and being a bit weird) is key
I liked vampires before it was cool. After my Wednesday night fix of Buffy the Vampire slayer on channel 2 I’d go upstairs, equipped with my best American accent, and slay make believe vampires in the bathroom (Buffy is still my hero, second to my mum)
9. Always use protection
I break things.. A LOT! This year alone I’ve blown up my car engine (due to a little thing called oil- apparently it’s important- meh!) and bumping my mums car into a curb which resulted in a tyre blow out and £3500 worth of suspension damage….AND if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve been through five iphones…
•Iphone 4- dropped a dumbbell on it
•Iphone 4 replacement- dropped in the pool in Ibiza
•Iphone 5- car ran over it (long story)
•Iphone 6 – dropped and smashed
•Iphone 6 replacement- conked out whilst in the gym (arguably not my fault)
… Recently bought a case for my new iphone 6 replacement
10. Friends are like boobs… ya can spot the fake ones a mile off
When I was ten I got a telling off from my best friend’s Nana Jean for guarding the garage whilst she kissed her boyfriend for the first time to the background music of Boyzone’s “No matter what”… ya know the one….Chicca cha hah hah
“A REAL friend doesn’t stand guard and allow such un lady like behaviour” she said.
It took me at least ten years to realise that Grandma Jean was wrong, that is in fact EXACTLY what a real friend does.
So.. as you’ve probs gathered I’m not your conventional personal trainer and there ain’t nothing conventional about what I do.
But if you’ve had enough of the vanilla, the norm, the generic… and I sound like I might just flip ya pancake, take a look here
to see how we can work together.