Why Carbs dont count and strapping on a pair or lady balls

Carbs dont count
*** Here’s an extract from my 14 Day TooHottie guide***
Hopefully you’ve been killing your breakfast and lunch with my recipes over at the secret VIP section of my TooHottie website… would love to know how you’re getting on!
So, you youve probably heard about nutrient timing…
• Intermittent fasting
• Don’t eat carbs after 4pm
• have a shake for breakfast and lunch (grrrr)
• Blah blah
Now, the majority of the above info is … guess what… bullshit…
(FYI intermittent fasting is no good for females- but more on that another time.)
For us women it really is harder to lose stubborn fat and gain lean muscle! Our hormonal makeup just doesn’t allow our bodies to respond the same as that of a man.
Although most women I train have metaphorically bigger balls than most men I know… high testosterone levels we metaphorically do not produce!
With my clients I help them change their story, which you’ll probably hear me talking about quite a lot on my Facebook page.
But this can only be done by assessing what you individually respond to, allowing me to determine what your carb tolerances are and what macros you should be shooting for … you need an individual assessment for this kind of thing.. Otherwise you’re just throwing shit aimlessly and hoping some of it sticks… which is the main reason most people don’t see results!!
However,
One thing is for sure… your body will thank you for keeping the recovery process going, regardless!
After you workout you have this magical thing called the anabolic window where… wait for it…  your carbs don’t count … yes … you heard me!
Gasp you must!
So slight exaggeration, they do count (booooo!) but hear me out..
Your body will utilise your macros especially carbs which it’ll store in the form as glycogen (used for muscle contraction) in your muscles as opposed to storing as adipose tissue – fatty tissue (yayyy!!)
It’ll also burn more calories than eating nothing at all as it keeps your metabolism high!
(I’d say that was 2-1 to Too Hottie… cue fist pump)
It’s important to get a mix of protein and carbs twenty minutes after your workout (straight away for males due to the difference in hormone levels and the huge amount of testosterone that we ladies simply don’t have due to our non existent lady balls).
Which is why you might see guys leaving the gym immediately with a whey protein shake-  which are great post work out by the way, if you’re in a rush.
(I can assure you most of these guys, however, are only doing it to look like they know what they’re doing… but well done bro we’ll give ya that one, bless).
PS… I’ve just updated my PT and nutrition packages over on my website, feel free to have a mooch
PPS … Back tomorrow with the ‘best’ types of workouts you should be doing
Love ya and leave ya xxx

Orgies, Camel Toe Rage and giving up Personal Training for good

personal training

If you have me on Facebook you’ve probably seen me post about my nanas (as in grandma’s… sounded like a weird euphemism for boobs when I read it back- so just to clarify)

Anyhooo

There’s two of them (again, grandma’s- not boobs).

Nana Pat and Nana Mary – one of which recently asked me if I was going to have an orgy when I moved in to my new house

(pretty standard remark from the old bird).

So, nana Pat (the daughter of nana orgy) has these family stories that she tell people over and over again.

Every time I go round it’s your typical “Did I ever tell you the time when…”

“Yes, you’ve actually told me that 6758494 times over the past 25 years of my life to be precise, but do continue…”

You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve heard that my mum once climbed over next door’s fence with no knickers on.

But, her favourite one, other than the time I drew a picture of REALLY good apple for Susan next door (riveting, I know), is a story that I still draw lessons on to this day. A story that we never hear the end of (especially at Christmas) which goes like this…

“When our Charlotte wa’ three she once told a full bus travelling to Burnley town Centre that Pavarotti had just got on”

It was in fact an over weight Asian guy with a beard.

Easy mistake.

Now, I do have a point to telling you this …

All of which leads to the 3 reasons I will, from this day forth, be giving up my personal training career for GOOD!

So anyway, after hearing about Pakistan’s answer to Pavarotti for the millionth time, I started thinking. The fact is, there is no trainer on this earth that knows everything there is to know about deceased Italian opera singers (me included, clearly) or more to the point any single aspect of the fitness industry itself.

And I say this because how many times do you see a personal trainer who is ‘qualified’ in absolutely everything going, whilst constantly offering discounts and oozing bland substance with no message apart from ‘Buy my shit, it’s cheap’.

Yes, you’ve probably noticed I often like to lace the word ‘qualified’ with subtle sarcasm. This is purely because I know so many ‘professionals’ (oooh more sarcasm- meow), not just in the fitness industry -other professions too- who have a million and one pieces of paper saying they are ‘qualified’ to do shit and still don’t have a Scooby Doo how to implement their skills and knowledge in to real world! Or how to explain it in simple terms so people can understand and utilise it!

I mean well done on your Master’s degree hun but nothing like baffling people with bullshit.

‘If you can’t explain it in simple terms then ya don’t know whatcha talkin’ about’

Ya know who orginally said that? Well, words to that effect?

Einstein.

Pretty smart guy, by all accounts.

The Sperheroes

Ya know what I do see a lot of though… what I like to call ‘Superhero PT’s’

I’m referring to the ‘Carpet Carrying Avengers’ ya see on Facebook disguising themselves as the DO’ers who manage to inadvertently serve you a shame sandwich most mornings pre 10 am by posting how much shit they’ve smashed …

It usually goes a bit like this…

“ In the gym smashing my workout by 6am, followed by completeing plans for all my clients and smashing a uni assignment. Now I’m off for my delicious lunch of chicken and broccoli because gains don’t gain them selves … what have you done with your morning #DoYouEvenLift”

Listen mate, that’s really cute, bless ya… but try getting all that shit done being a working mum with two kids (one of which has additional needs)  running a house and working shifts whilst staying in decent shape and STILL smashing workouts and achieving goals… like my awesome client Kirsty.

For real people ‘smashing’ all that shit is a struggle and all it does is fuel an ‘I’m better than you mentality’.

But I’ll let you in on something- I’m surrounded by these douchebags on a regular basis and unfortunately for these Tupperware Titans the harsh reality usually goes as follows…

Yes you’re in the gym from 6 am because you are employed by said gym and drew the short straw from your manager to open up for the general public… you’ve then ‘smashed’ a work out whilst you have a three hour gap between clients, because, lets face it… you’re not that good of a trainer and not half as busy with clients as you’d have everyone on Facebook believe, therefore giving you more time to eat your soggy chicken and broccoli, which you in fact hate eating… Followed by taking a swelfie with said chicken and broccoli (minus the bacon butty and snickers that you’ve also just eaten)… And don’t forget the strategically placed bicep with a hash tag of ‘gun show’

… And that’s just the females!!

We all have at least one of these morons on Facebook right?!

And don’t get me started on the incessant posting of their irrelevant physiological knowledge.. the krebs cycle, neuromuscular responses … BORING- no one cares.

You trying to help people? Or ya trying to impress other PT’s with your long words?

EYE.ROLL.

Ya know what that’s called? Baffling people with bullshit!

I’ll tell you why..

Ya know what the krebs cycle will give you in relation to your goals?

A headache.

Because it’s the most boring fucking thing you will ever hear about in your entire life! FACT!

Believe it or not, even more boring than the REALLY good apple I drew for Susan next door!..

In a nutshell the krebs cycle is a metabolic pathway that can use fat as an energy source.

DONE.

As a client you don’t need to know about cellular reactions. It really is a serious case of look at me and all my glorious knowledge. Respect me you inferior non scientific non fitness monkey… and while you’re at it buy my shit (8 sessions for 50p cause I’m struggling over here) because clearly you can see how good I am at quoting text books.

The Camel Toe (reason number two)

On pretty much every fitness related course I’ve been on over the years (and I’ve been on A LOT) there’s always…

ALWAYS

without fail…

One middle aged, grapevine loving, 80’s throwback, who reckons she knows more about diet and training than anyone on the course- often including the course leader. Typically clad in a size too small lycra ensemble, equipped with a brutal camel toe.

A camel toe which I just can’t stop staring at, in complete morbid fascination.

I absolutely kid you not, EVERY frikkin course.

So, just so you can get the full image of ‘Camel Toe’. She is obsessed with Rosemary Connelly, juices absolutely fucking everything in sight and LOVES aerobics and I can spot this bitch like a fart in a lift as soon as she walks in. I do not wanna be in Camel Toe’s group, at her table or even risk getting in to any kind of conversation which may lead to a subjective debate about training and nutrition, because shit would definitely go down and it would not be pretty.

Remember when I told you about the ‘hormone induced rage’ in my last blog ?

Well this is a similar kinda thing… but worse!!

Camel Toe induced rage!

Ultimately resulting in this kinda show down..

(maybe substituting samurais for dumbells?).

Ya see, the reason that I don’t wanna get in to a discussion with Camel Toe is the fact that chicks like her will tell you anything to get you on board and do not like to be challenged about ANYTHING.

They’re the kind of people who tell you things like ‘Muscle weighs more than fat’.
No. No it fucking doesn’t.

They acually weigh the same lb for lb but the mass of fat is greater than that of muscle thus taking up more space than muscle which is more compact and dense.

And my favourite …

‘Squats are bad for your knees.’

EYE.ROLL.

I mean.. is it crack?

Is it crack that you smoke, hun?

Think about it properly..
What is the knee?
A joint
What are joints supported by?
Muscles, tendons and ligaments

What do squats do?
Strengthen the muscles in the legs, back and core (if done correctly).

Therefore, the stronger the muscle fibres are made (by lifting weight) the more supportive they become around a joint.

You know who has bad knees? Long distance runners and people who only lift baby weights for a million reps at a time- due to repetitive stress and no support around the joint.

I even heard a local Camel Toe a few weeks ago, whilst I was running on the treadmill (which I hate by the way), come out of the studio to recruit people for her zumba toning class, professing to the girl next to me that the class was… wait for it… good for her core.

WTF!?

… Cue Camel Toe rage

 

Stuff like this annoys the shit outta me.

Can we just stop fucking misinforming people, Ok?

No wonder most women don’t know their arse from their elbow being told shit like that.

Ya know what is NOT good for your core? Poncing about shaking a pair of bloody maracas.

And with all the courses Camel Toe has been on (And I should know, cause I’ve swerved her on every single one) she should frikkin well knows this too.

(FYI heavy compounds like squats and deadlifts are where your shooting for the king of core exercises- just in case you’re wondering)

Now, along with Camel Toe is THIS guy

“Hi my name’s Dave and I specialise in muscle building, female fat loss, elite athlete development, strength and conditioning with speed and agility, kids fitness. I can also coach football – I once had trials for Burnley FC ya know.I’m kind of a big deal. And did I mention I also offer sports massage with a complimentary dick pick thrown in for good measure?”

I have nothing but an incessant intolerance of sleazy PT’s by the way! Respect your profession and your clients for fuck sake.

Anyhooo, so what I’m trying to say with my Dave analogy is this-

Keep your pecker in your pants bro.

But more importantly..

Picture this, heaven forbid, you take a serious bash to the head like the poor cricket player on the news (God rest his soul). Who do ya think is gunna peform your brain surgery?

Your GP?

HELL. FUCKING. NO

And why not? Because a GP is a Jack of all trades who knows a little bit about everything but not enough about anything in particular that’s gunna get you where you want to be… which in this instance, is alive… pretty big deal.

Ya see where I’m coming from, hun?

Now I’m not denying there are some decent PT’s out there but with the nature of the industry even Nana Orgy could become a personal trainer over a three weekend PT course as long as she handed over £3,000 of her pension.

So thanks to Camel Toe, Captain Carpet Carrier the and Dave I’ve decided to Jack in ‘Personal Training’ in all together! Cause I’m sick of all this conformist industry bullshit!

Now don’t get me wrong I am not giving up training clients but I am metaphorically hanging up my average Joe PT sneaks for a pair of sassy thigh highs!

I did a lot of soul searching 4 years ago, career wise, and found that, after coming to a point where I HATED everything about an industry I once LOVED and getting to a point where I just didn’t believe in it anymore- I was stressed and miserable because I’d been trying to be everything to everyone (AKA Dave syndrome).

So here’s the thing, I got rid of it all to do something I believe in – cheesy? yes – But the reality is I’m not here to conform and go by the book just because someone somewhere says so or cause it’s trendy at the time before jumping on to the nest thing.

Believe me, I’ve been in the industry for 10 years and I can assure you – NO one is recreating the wheel… it’s all just the same stuff re-marketed in a new pretty package.

The same shit STILL works! The same shit STILL doesn’t! It’s how you use it.

Now I’m not here to offer something that can be found just anywhere- who needs another commodity!?

No one, that’s who.

There’s LOADS of free resources out there and I’d suggest tha’s where you start – educate yourself chico- see what ya believe in and find what works for ya. Just because your mate’s boyfriend’s sister lost 14 stone in a day (Love Peter Kay) doesnt mean that you will – She is a freak – you my friend, are not.

I’m not here to intimidate I’m here to educate and offer something that fits around the lives of real people with kids, jobs, social lives and all the other stressful crap in between. I want to lead a tribe of my kinda people.. not manage a business of anybody with a purse.

I’m 100% not everybodys cuppa tea

Why dya think I say whatever the fuck I feel like? Cause the wet mops, don’t like to be called out on their bullshit!

They’ll screw their little wet moppy faces in digust at my ‘unprofessional’ potty mouth and my no nonsense approach. Which will HOPEFULLY result in them un liking my page.. unsubscribing from my emails .. and carrying on with their Juice Plus shakes and Drink Your Own Piss detox juices.

Being myself filters out the people I don’t want to work with, cause I don’t want to work with people who aren’t ready to make a change or that I’m not gunna gel with.

And again… fart … lift …. I can spot these people straight away- just like Camel Toe!

Is this how other people work? Nope.

Is what I got the same as other Camel Toe’s, Dave’s and the rest?

Absolutely fucking not.

If you feel like you might be ready to go against the grain, you can check out the first step to us working together here

If you’re ready to go against the grain with me you can check out the first step here.

Why Being A Female Sucks When It Comes To Dieting 

Dieting
So last week was THAT time of the month.
THAT time each month where I spontaneously burst in to tears throughout the day over cute puppies on Facebook … chipping my nail varnish… running out of tea bags… ya know,  the usual.
ANYTHING is capable of leaving me a blubbering wreck for the better part of the day.
This, shortly followed by an incesscant intolerance of all living things. The wrath of menstruation should come with a warning “It’s not really your fault, it’s the hormones- approach with severe caution or come back in a few days”
Hell hath no fury like a woman on her period and it’s safe to say I am one sarcastic, moody, volatile fucker to be around (for want of a better phrase).
I remember this one time having a blazing row with my ex because he’d left his dirty socks next to the laundry basket
… yes ladies…
…next…
NEXT!!!…  to the laundry basket (You’re rolling your eyes with a ‘I hear ya sista’, right!?)
Seriously though, how hard is it to lift the lid and put them in for God’s sake!!
So in all fairness, he was asking for it
Now, any other day I’d have muttered some expletives under my breath, put them in the laundry basket myself and carried on with my day.
But this wasn’t any ordinary day. He was going down!
Anyway, we’d been together that long that he’d developed this weird sixth sense … a bit like spidey-sense… but for periods.
And this, luckily for him, saved his bacon on a number of occasions, as any hormone instigated argument was brought to an abrupt end by a single sentence.
So, to set the scene…
I’m stood, in the midst of a 360 head spin ‘The power of Christ compels you’ hormonal meltdown, on the landing and he looks at me wide eyed and calmly comes out with…
“You’re on the blob aren’t you“
Well…
… I mean SERIOUSLY who says that!?
That’s got to be up there in the top 5 most innapropriate euphemisms for menstruation of all time!!!
Now ladies, apart from ‘eurgh’, I know what you’re thinking
… BRAVE!…
That’s some big cahoona’s for ya .. cause that sentence right there could have tipped a raging, hormonal bitch over the edge.
So I stopped in my tracks, taken back, cause that was not what I was expecting.
I did, however realize that I was in fact, stood on the landing having a full blown toddler tantrum over a pair of sweaty socks. Which, by all accounts, was pretty ridiculous, so to his relief, I laughed.
Risky business though, right?
He was lucky he got to keep said cahoonas ’cause that situation could have gone either way…
So after the day of hormonal rage follows the day I can be found star fished in a sugar induced coma, surrounded by several empty chocolate bar wrappers and face planted in a box of Krispy Kreme dohnuts.
It’s tragic.
Anyhoooo, there is a point to me filling you in about my monthly lady cycle.
At the moment I’m working on shredding my body fat down (more on that later) and I was dreading this 2 day stint of craving because the harsh reality is this..
A pizza and a tub of ice cream can set you back  a good 7 days of hard graft.
So the crying came on Sunday at the penguin advert …
Yes THAT penguin advert! I wouldn’t be bothered but I’ve seen it a million times and I don’t even like penguins (Yes I said it) sorry, but I don’t.
So this was it…  the big one…  Monday…
Monday came and there was no sugar induced coma… I was going strong!!! … until I got home from the gym around 8 pm…
If I’d have known what was to follow I’d have gone upstairs to my office there and then to staple my mouth shut for the rest of the week…
Monday: Half a litre of Hagaan Daaz
Tuesday: Ginger bread latte and Walnut cake (Damn you Costa)
Wednesday: 8 ginger nut biscuits (yes, in one sitting… yes, I am ashamed)
Thursday: 2 Krispy Kreme dohnuts (Went in for ax xmas tree came out with a pull up bar and dohnuts- no xmas tree)
Saturday: 3 course Indian, G&T x2 and a glass of wine
Sunday: Krispy Kreme dohnut and 2 x Rocky biscuits at Nana Pat’s
…but guess what…
I still lost 1 lb of fat
…and I’m gunna tell you how very soon, so hang in there…
This is the thing, I drum a particular philosophy in to my clients from the moment they start their journey with me
 So the pretty simple philosophy is this…
“Don’t turn a bad day in to a bad week”
Ok, so THAT is not what I did last week- it was a pretty bad week in relation to my goals
But I did flip it with
“Dont turn a bad meal in to a bad day”
Now, just because I had a shit ‘meal’ it didn’t mean this had to impact on my full day or the hard graft I’ve been putting in leading up to this shitty week. My goal at the moment is fat loss whilst maintaining as much muscle mass as possible.
Now, what you’ve got to understand here is this…
The science of fat metabolism, in very basic terms, boils down to energy expenditure.
Which essentially,  is calories in vs calories out
.. FACT!
Now before any ‘king of the shit head’ know it all’s’ chirp up ’cause you always get one who has nothing better to do than totally misinterpret what you’re saying (meow)
I am not in any way condoning the baaaaaad things I did with simple carbs of no nutritional value last week.
Nor am I saying… haha look at me I can eat shit and still stay in decent shape… Because I most deffo can bloody not.
This is not how you should eat.
And you most definitely should not base a diet around Krispy Kreme consumption (how amazing would that be if you could though)!!
 What I am saying is this..
The fact is we’re human, this shit’s gunna happen from time to time.
We relapse on diets. We all have bad days where all of a sudden we find ourselves stood in the kitchen mixing butter and sugar together to make butter cream icing then eating it with nothing but an index finger out of the bowl because there are no sugary treats in the cupboards (yes I am ashamed to say I actually did this once).
“Hello my name is Charlotte and I’m a sugaraholic”.
So here’s where I flipped it…
Even though I fucked up most days with my nutrition, I made sure that ALL my other meals fit the macros I was shooting for to achieve my end of week goal so I was still in the calorie deficit that I needed to be in to shred fat.
It meant training a bit more but definitely not starving myself because I know how important quality and valuable nutrition is in order to maintain muscle mass- and that’s where people go wrong!
Luckily for me, I know what I’m doing, and I bloody should cause it’s my frikkin job! I research, I study it, look up things I don’t know and evidence what I’m doing with myself and clients. So I know the ins and outs of nutrition and training but for people who don’t, this is where they fuck up and don’t get results.
Not only is there conflicting info about nutrition and exercise everywhere – the majority of which really is total bullshit. But people are also in this mindset that they can’t go outside the boundaries of a salad for each meal and what they deem as ‘health food’ each day.
And when they do they punish them selves with the guilt of failure and bag the full thing off all together!
But that’s not what it’s about!
As a team my clients and I do ALOT of work around mindset (AKA sorting your shit out) because there’s so much more going on behind ‘goals’ and ‘barriers’ than people realise, which I’m going to be blogging about next week.
So many people have an emotional attachment to food, an unhealthy relationship with it or are just plain stuck in the past 50 years or so when everyone was harping on about ‘low fat this and low fat that’ and eating nothing but processed carbs and adding sugar to everything… get with the times… educate yourself.
Our nation is at the fattest, unhealthiest and most ill its’ ever been.. and why? misinformation from big consumer companies.
You know what kinda gains big consumer companies make? …Nope, not my favourite kinda gains… Capital gains. They are out to make as much money as possible, selling products to an uneducated fat nation that they know is crying out for help, so they market to them…
Special K diet… Zero nutritional value but of course you’re gunna loose weight over the one week you can stick to it because if you follow it your gunna be in a major calorie defeceit but your body composition is gunna be awful. Not to mention that level of starvation is totally unsustainable… cue the aformentioned guilt trip binging
Juice Plus … A bunch of uneducated ‘wellness coaches’ (what even are they) without a single clue about nutrition in a pyramid scheme business who are brainwashed by this … wait for it… Big consumer company to sell products to a fat nation who know just about as much regarding the value of real food as much as their ‘wellness coach’.
A ‘wellness coach’ once evn tried to convince me that the powdered shakes aren’t processed and only contain fruit and veg.
If I could raise one eyebrow I would have but instead the question of ‘Ok can you PLEASE explain to me what all these ingredients are on the back of the tub and how all these 565768697 fruits and vegetables that are claimed to be the only ingredient in here were made in to powdered form without being processed?’
… She couldn’t
… shock
Chocolate philidelphia … 95% fat free but a shit load of sugar. I’m pretty sure last time I checked cheese fell in to the ‘fats’ category, so if there’s no fat in there then what the hell is?
In the 1950’s smoking was also marketed by big consumer companies as being ‘Good for you’
Ya get what I’m saying chico?
…  think about it.
With my clients I ask that they gauge food consumption with an app which accumulates calories and their individual macro percentages (fats, proteins, carbs) from their tailored diet plan- it really is pretty clever – and it keeps them on track.
If they fuck up it means getting their asses back in the gym more than they’d usually train or slightly adapting their diets but at the end of the week, if they’ve done what they’re told and follow what I say they’re pretty frikkin happy and one step closer to achieveing a goal… usually followed by ‘Wow you were right!’
Course I’m fucking right- I’m a woman 😉

Why You Should Never Trust Your Personal Trainer

Personal Trainer Lancashire
There’s misinformation everywhere .. Even your trainer is probably full of shit, but I’ll come to that later. First, I need to tell you about a revelation I’ve had recently that made me question EVERYTHING I’ve ever learned as a Fitness professional.
Now, these days, I’m an asker of questions. I’m sceptical about everything until I have proof
and here’s why…
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been spouting out this fact about how to escape from the clutches of a crocodile (random I know)  and it has been one of my prized factual pieces of knowledge, stored in the brain bank ready for the right moment when crocodile attacks arise in conversation but as you can imagine such occasions are rare… very rare.
So, when the crocodile topic is finally broached (and I kid you not, it occasionally happens) … there I am in all my glory delivering my prized knowledge bomb like I’m the female Bear Grylls.
So anyway… A while ago I’d met this guy and we’re texting away and for some reason (I can’t remember why) but he mentions something about… wait for it… a crocodile !!!
So I’m lead there in bed, I quickly sit up, my face beaming
This is it… this is MY moment…
My self proclaimed legacy to pass on this vital information, the fact that may one day save someones life!!
So there I am .. I couldn’t move my thumbs fast enough … and in I went with
“Did you know” … smiling smugly as I thumbed…
“That if you’re being chased by a crocodile you should run away in a zig zag motion because crocodiles can’t turn corners – they can only run in a straight line”
A short while later, my phone buzzed and a reply of “lol” sat in my phone.
… lol ?? …
So I’m sat frowning at my phone in confusion,
“Lol” is not what I was expecting for a fact that could potentially save ones life !! I was a bit miffed that he wasn’t amazed by this ingenius life saving fact that I’d just delieverd, Mrs. Bear Grylls stylee!
Surely he doesn’t come across many gals who know this kinda shit?
“Don’t act like your not impressed” (Said in the style of Ron Burgundy)
So “lol” was then followed by…
“Why would the crocodile not just chase you in a straight line?”
So I stare at my phone … more frowning..
… Ah
… mmmm
…More frowning
And he was right, why had I never thought this before? Why had I never questioned it?
… And why, on the rare occasion that the crocodile topic had previously arisen, had no one else questioned me?
(Apart from the fact that my previous audiences were probably, at least, moderately intoxicated… but still !! )
So, that was it, I needed answers!!
So I took to my speaking Google app, who has never yet failed me on a query, he answers everything… apart from rude questions about himself (yes I was bored one day)
Anywayyyyy, Google delieverd the blow that my ingenious crocodile fact was in fact a fallocy … not true… a fabrication… a down right dirty stinking lie! …WTF !!
I felt violated.
Equally as violated as the time in my year 7 RE lesson when we were told that Adam and Eve, was in fact, a story!
A STORY!
A story I’d based the whole existance of human life on … a bloody story … (I’m still scarred as you can tell haha).
Now this all got me thinking (you can probably smell the smoke from there)
How many times have you been told something by a ‘qualified professional’ ? Seen something on a website? Facebook? An instagram meme? Read something in a magazine?
 … and not even questioned it.
Maybe you’ve subcounsciously saved it for the brain bank…
Maybe you’ve even regurgitated this information to your equally as health conscious friends with the same crocodile-esque enthusiasm as me?
So here’s the thing, I hear facts like this ALL the time about nutrition and training… and I mean ALL the time… from clients, magazines, health shows… even other trainers, believe it or not.
The next time you hear something, research it, question it… don’t be a sheep and go along with the crowd.
In my 14 day TooHottie guide over at www.toohottie.co.uk , I’m banishing myths, starting basic and cutting the crap.
It’s about finding out what works for you as an individual, we’re a nation that’s time poor, the fattest and unhealthiest we’ve ever been due to misinformation from people we assume we can trust.
There’s alot of bullshit out there, so when you’re looking for a trainer, look for someone who’s methods you believe in! Ask them WHY they’ve given you a particular plan and make sure it works for you!
Because you never know, you could just be being fed crocodile-esque bullshit.
Love
Char ‘The croc fraud’ De Curtis xx

Linda, A Camel Testicle & The Tears Of A Virgin

Cut out sugar.
Cut out grains.
Cut out carbs.
Cut out gluten

In fact cut out ANY foods you enjoy.

No fats and carbs together.
No carbs after 6pm.
Absolutely no treats. None.

None what so ever.
DEFINITELY no foods that you enjoy because they will send your hormones spiralling out of control and you will end up three stone heavier by tomorrow morning… FACT.

Death, despair and misery must enter your life before you lose fat, gain curves and turn in to Megan Fox using shakes provided by Linda from accounts.

(Tell you about her later)
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If you’re not stressing about macros, nutrient timing and sodium intake, you are 100% not doing it right.
That’s right.

SUFFER

Suffering is where it’s at.
More misery … more fat loss… more results.
Buy organic EVERYTHING… the more money you throw at that miracle organic shiit?

The faster your results.
Make sure Everything you’re eating
(including your coconut oil)
is smothered in coconut oil.
If you’re not ‘beasting’ yourself (Whatever that means) for at least 2 hours a day in the gym, to the point of actual near death by burpees?

SHAME. ON. YOU
Have a 400-500 calorie Holy Grail breakfast shake

Shake recipe must include the tears of a 65 year old male virgin and a camel testical ..
Camel testical must be extracted from camel by said virgin.

Otherwise …
Guess what? …
No fat loss for YOU.

NON.

Sorry.

(Camel bollock will keep you satiated till lunch time)
(So would eating ACTUAL breakfast but hey- MISERY)

All kindsa camel ball misery.
And heaven forbid you should forget to take your cleansing Aloe 100% natural Jesus Juice, soul cleansing, miracle working herba-detox capsules.
(And make sure you buy them from Linda, who works in accounts, who has been at Slimming World for the past 3 years and did a 5K 1 time so she’s now an expert… Cause she 100% knows what she’s talking about)
OR




You could do non of those things.
Leave the camel balls, despair and misery to Linda, from accounts.
Eat a diet of food you actually ENJOY and just stick to the principle of an energy deficit and a flexible diet whilst losing fat and gaining curves.

Getting back your mojo and creating a body you LOVE.

Just like the women I work with.
Women just like you.

Who I soon get on the straight and narrow, with zero Camel bollocks in sight

Winner.
Which is exactly what I’m gunna teach you how to do within the next 7 days.
We start tomorrow Princess.
See ya there,
Love Char ‘Say No To Linda’ De Curtis

PS.. You wanna see summa them chicks I beez pimpin’ out?
(Disclaimer ** Not literally)

Click here to view summ’a my recent transformations

The C Word

cellulite

^^^ It don’t get more vulgar and offensive than that does it, Honey Bunny.

I remember as an innocent 8 year old asking my mum what it meant.
Only to be met with a look of horror and told not to say that word EVER again.

This incident was around the time I also told my Year 4 teacher that my Nana Pat got a Blow Job from Andy Jackson every Saturday.

Blow Job..
Blow Dry..

Meh

Potatoe..
Pota-R-toe..

Anyhoo,

BJ’s aside, I think we can all agree that the C-Bomb really is THE most vile and offensive word known to woman kind.

(Hence my mum’s horrified face at it’s sheer utterance)

One word that can immediately screw a woman’s face up with a look of disgust

One Word…

CELLULITE

======================

Here’s the thing..

How many times have you bought in to miracle creams of wonder
that claim to OBLITERATE cellulite.

Firming up your derriere to leave you with an arse as firm and magnificent as that of Kylie Minogue, Circa Gold Hot pants.
***** How many women do ya know that it’s ACTUALLY worked for? *******

Cue Tumbleweed

‘Cuz it’s the same calibre of bullshit as…

Tea Tox fat burning tea …
Waist trainers ..
Cleansing capsules..
Cellulite banishing body wraps…

It’s a bunch of big ol’ stinkin’ bullshit.

Think about it this way

Cellulite is subcutaneous wobbly fat that forms dimples as it lies.

You can’t tone fat. SIMPLE.

Even if you firm the skin, it’s still not the skin that’s the issue.
It’s the fat.

And this is the number one complaint of women I see when they first come to a consulation with me.

Frustrated, overwhelmed women who’ve tried EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING from creams to toning belts to extensive running and endless spinning classes under the impression that the outcome will be toned legs, less body fat

And ZERO cellulite

(Above, of which, are useless methods to eradicate cellulite, by the way)

Ain’t nothing worse than working you’re arse off only to still be jiggly

I hear ya Sista.

Ya wanna look good wit’cha clothes off too, right!?

If ya wanna ditch Cellulite (and ya clothes) for good?

Then ya might wanna consider joining me for a consultation where we’ll go through a full body analysis of where you are vs where you want to be … and exactly how to REALLY ya get there (minus all the bullshit obvs).

Plus all the cool shizzle you get in the Starter Pack that you get for free with your consultation.

Ya can check it out by clicking here

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BUT, if ya wanna ‘go it alone’ which is abso-frikkin- lutely fine too

Here’s the drill…

Numero Uno:
Train with weights to grow the muscle underneath so your legs, for example, are made up predominantly of firm muscle as opposed to wobbly fat.

I’m not talkin’ Schwartseneggar-esque muscle growth

(which is nigh on impossible for women BTW)

… But long, lean shapely muscle which gives what most people refer to as ‘a toned look’

(All of which I teach ‘how to’ in my consultation Starter Pack)

Numero Deux (Yes, I know that’s French but I don’t know the Spanish word for ‘2’ …MEH)

Work on decreasing your body fat percentage.

Now the best way to determine your current body fat percentage (without having an expensive Dexa scan) is with the use of callipers to measure sites of fat on your body, which is something I do for each client on a consultation.

However for a very rough guide you can also use scales, but be wary if you’re prone to retaining water.

====================================================

Tomorrow we’re talkin’ ’bout THE best type of training to torch body fat in 4 minutes

I kid you not.

See ya tomorrow

Love Char ‘As shit at French as I am at Spanish’ De Curtis

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PS… Here’s that consultation link again www.toohottie.co.uk/consultation