The day I Became A Pimp and My Crazy Diet

Crazy Diet
Have you ever noticed how people want you to do well
but just as long as you’re not doing  better than they are?
And think about it…
You’d never see Angelina Jolie like
 “Jesus, that Michelle from Corry’s shit at acting and she’s put some right timber on”
Why would Big Ange need to give a shit about Michelle from Corry?.
 Ya could argue that it’s jealousy right?
And maybe it is..
But speaking to one of my clients the other day who’s a self proclaimed ‘FFG’ (Former Fat Girl) she confessed that she previously scoffed at anyone who did exercise and ate well because she hated how she looked and couldn’t stop binging- even describing herself as disgusting – true story.
(‘Til I got my hands on her o’ course)
Speaks volumes, doesn’t it.
Its other people’s insecurities.
Being intimidated by others is a really sad place to be.
I have clients going through this at the moment.
Other’s trying to belittle their successes.
They’ve all worked their (newly pert) arses off
and are looking smokin’.
But some of ‘em are letting what I like to call
‘Bitch- fest Backlash’ (AKA ‘BFB’)
get to them.
But I’ve found a solution, other than my previous solution of
‘Tell them jealous bitches to kiss your pert ass’
(Yep stolen from Tyra Banks… kinda)
 But I’ll tell you about shortly…
Ya know the drill…
… I think you’re too skinny
… ‘We’ don’t think you’re eating enough
… I liked you better before when you were XYZ dress size
… You don’t need to do all that
… You’re obsessed
And my favourite ‘Oh yeah I heard you’re on that CRAZY diet’
Now ANYONE that’s worked with me KNOWS full well…
I DO NOT ever… EVER
Put ANYONE on a ‘crazy diet’
You CAN NOT train effectively and achieve optimal body composition on a ‘crazy diet’.
The results my clients are getting CANNOT be done on a ‘crazy diet’
But clearly you’re an expert, right?
Thing is, all these comments really are IRRELEVANT.
They’re opinions from people who in reality
DON’T HAVE A CLUE
about what you’ve been doing…
As my mum poignantly pointed out a few weeks ago
‘A little bit of knowledge is dangerous’
Which is why so many people are ramming shit like raspberry ketones down their necks.
*****************************************************
*****************************************************
So hang on pal, what you’re trying to tell me is that you’re peaking though my window every meal time, assessing the food on my plate and calorie and nutrition content of my meals… Bit weird if you ask me.
Funny that you know my dress size better than I do when I can be a size in Topshop yet two sizes bigger in next.
How do you know what I do and don’t NEED to do? What if I want to do that? What if I ENJOY doing that?
Obsessed? Maybe I am by your standards but I’d rather be obsessed with taking care of myself than obsessed with binge drinking, take-aways and online bingo.
And since we’re on the subject of my face looking thin and insinuating that I look like I’m on crack
 … Well…
I think yo face is ain’t much to be desired full stop
… and waxing your tash wouldn’t go a miss either.
… Just saying
(FYI your cheeks are a natural fat store, your face is going to look thinner as soon as you start dropping bodyfat, for most people)
Anyway, ya know what they say … keep your nose out
Or how I prefer to eloquently phrase it …
… Mind your own fucking business
See I used to take this stuff personally, and here’s why..
These girls I work with
They’re accountable to ME
(Just me who thinks I sound like a pimp?)
and we get through this shit together.
Something’s not working?
We change it.
They work fucking hard ..
They make the changes I tell’em to.
They realise that it’s not about who they are when they start,
it’s about who they’ve got to become.
I try my hardest to repel the widdle princesses who aren’t gunna put the work in
(although some of ‘em slip through the net)
So that I’m left with women like these ones who TAKE ACTION on what I say.
But ‘taking other people’s opinions personally’ is a thang of the past for me.
And I massively advise you do this too, kinda sets ya free from their bullshit.
When my clients tell me about their ‘BFB’..
I just kinda shrug my shoulders and say…
“And what kinda shape is this person in?”
Then guess what? They answer their own question.
It’s like a light bulb moment for them…
Yep… EXACTLY
Here’s how I see it…
You should genuinely feel a bit sorry for those who try to belittle what you’ve achieved because, when you think about it, they’re just trying to make themselves feel better about about their own shitty life..
Harsh but true, I’m afraid.
They’re the exact kind of people I START out working with, just like my FFG client I mentioned earlier.
They don’t have sex- Ever
They’re embarrassed about how they look
They feel fat and frumpy
Disappointed they’ve gotten to THIS
Frustrated, over whelmed.
Convince themselves they’re ‘time poor’ and so hard done to.
“It’s different for me”
No clue what to eat, how to train and struggling.
Put on a front that they’re happy the way they are but are constantly yoyo dieting.
Liddle bit of success at Slimming World only to pile it all back on again.
They’re fed up and let’s face it, its easier to have your head and opinion in someone else’s business than to face your own and TAKE ACTION on it…
Which is the main reason I’ve deleted all my social media apps off of my phone recently.
…But I’ll tell you about that another day
Anyhoo, that all I’ve got for today.
Now, if you consider yourself an action taker and you can hinestly say enough is enough … ya can apply for my SOS programme on the following link- it’s open to you guys on my mailing list ONLY.
www….. ***** I you’re on my mailing list you’ll receive the link ***
BUT be warned, it’s a 60 day commitment and a big investment.
Serious players need only apply, so please don’t waste both of our time unless you’re 100% game…
It’s not for everyone.
Love Char ‘Pimpin’ out ma bitches’ De Curtis xxx
Ps… If ya not ready to handle my 60 dayer, I’ve got a new group training programme on the way, that I’ve been taste testing for all this week – yum
PPs.. If ya wanna see som’a dem bitches I beez pimpin’ out recently on my 60 day SOS ya can visit my FB page on the link below
 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Charlotte-De-Curtis-The-Too-Hottie-Coach/
PPPS… Ya don’ like brutal honesty and zero bullshit? Click the ‘unsubscribe’ link below and piss off 😉

Tight Wannies & An X-Rated Build A Bear and Weight Training

weight training
Put some curves here.
Make this smaller there.
A bit more cushion fo’ the pushin’ under here
And
Voila
Kinda reminds me of Build a Bear Workshop.
…without the fur.
…or the miniature bear outfits.
Meh
===================================================
Anyhooo,
It wasn’t that long ago that a client of mine discovered another MAJOR advantage of weight training, as I received a text from her that read…
(Brace yourself)
“I know this is random but I feel like my ‘wanny’ is tighter since I’ve been training with you and even Nick has noticed”
Yes a ‘Wanny’ is exactly what you think it is
Yes this is an actual true story
Yes Nick is her husband and isn’t a gynocologist by trade
(I don’t know any man  who’s a wanny expert so Go Nick)
In fact she’s prolly readin’ this now.
**Hi Kirsty**
In fact, thinking about it, this is the same client who exclaimed (in the middle of a packed gym) that she just squeezed so hard on a squat her uterus nearly fell out.
(Kirsty the X-rated Build a Bear)
So for us chicks this is kind of a big deal, especially if you’ve had babies.
Cuz’ think about it, unless you have a job lifting things or sit at your desk practising pelvic floor exercises, that area is never under tension.
… Until you lift weights and create  the tension through contraction.
Now Included in the ‘Starter Pack’ that I give new clients at consultation bookings, you get two weight training programmes that you can download to your phone and take to the gym with you (For free)
These give you a step by step guide of how to get started with weight training and EXACTLY how to get the most out of it without it being time consuming, boring or leaving you questioning whether you’re doing it right or wrong.
Plus a tele class that explains exactly how to activate your pelvic floor, in and out of the gym.
So if ya want in…
You can book your consultation slot here..
www.toohottie.co.uk/consultation
Love Char ‘Your husband will thank you for it’ De Curtis
xxx
PS. Tomorrow I’m gunna tell you about my friend’s wet patch, see ya then

Fatloss never Tasted So Good (Cringe)

Fatloss
Years ago I went through a phase of making this miracle Jesus Juice shake of wonder for my breakfast.

Equipped with a tonne of seeds, protein, good fats and

Y’know..
Healthy Shit
It went a bit like this..
Full fat milk
Peanut butter
Bananna
Frozen berries
Avocado
Whey protein powder
Oats
Chai SeedsAnd  then I’d sit in totally baffled and pissed off that I’d put ON weight….

Same as the chicks I see daily, who come & book in for help during a consultation with me.

Women just like you.

(Who I soon get on the straight and narrow)

I mean, isn’t everyone always telling us  to eat good fats and a balanced breakfast!?
Protein- yep
Fats- yep
Carbs- yep

So WTF!?!?

Now here’s the thing..

I get it.

I speak to frustrated women day in day out in my Breakthrough Appointments, and help them from the point of being totally baffled at the fact they’re doing ‘everything right’.

But here’s the issue…

Yeah, my shake of Breakfasty goodness had all the right stuff in.

AND tasted frikkin INSANE.
Like serious YUM

All the YUMS in fact

(To the point where I probs posted a picture of it with a cheesy hashtag of ‘Fatloss never tasted so good’)

Yep … I used to be THAT guy (Cringe)

And the reason it tasted

SO. DAMN. GOOD?

Is because it contained the whole entirety of the  calories

I should have been eating for the full day.

In. One. Frikkin. Meal

Now contrary to the misleading bullshit you’ve seen knocking about..

Calories DO Count.

And I can’t believe the amount of people who completely bypass this crucial element of fat loss.

If you’re over eating… you’re over eating.

If you’re not eating in the confines of your OWN calorie allowance, you are not gunna lose fat.

SIMPLE.

It’s literally the biggest and the simplest school girl error most chicks I see are making.

There’s no miracle wonder shake…

No magical food…
No dink your own piss detox tea …

That’s gunna melt off your body fat if you are STILL eating too many calories.

Now, as part of my Starter pack that I give out as part of my Breakthrough Appointment,

I work out the amount of calories you should be shooting at for effective fatloss (this is something that’s individual to each person)
as well as assessing bodyfat levels and a bunch of other cool shizzle to get you started on your OWN journey.

All strictly bullshit free

(Obviously)

If ya want in..

Ya can check it out here

Or ya can keep cryin’ in to ya detox tea… Supp to you, Princess

Love Char ‘break down or breakthrough’ De Curtis
xxx

Damage Limitation

Damage Limitation

How You Can Avoid Falling Off The Wagon (Part 1)

Personal trainer Burnley

Damage Limitation…

That, right there, is a phrase I frikkin LOVE

… Damage Limitation…

Especially if you say it like the dramatic voice over guy on the X-factor.

Damaaaaage. Limiiiiiitation.

(You just tried it didn’t you)

Sounds like some kind of strategic military type plan to avoid impending doom…
or maybe just my dramatic little brain?

Anyway, when I use this phrase with my clients, it pretty much does what it says on the tin..

Limits Damage.

Which, when you’re trying to reach a goal, is a much better option than

‘Fuck it’

Here’s the thing…

How many times have you been on a ‘diet’ and completely fucked it by eating a giant indian meal, eating a full packet of Hobnobs or stuffing your pie hole with too much … well… pie? Purely for the fact that you had an unnecessary ‘fuck it I’m here now’ moment which can potentially screw ALL the hard work you’ve put in so far and leave you feeling like a big fat, miserable pig the next day…

And then..

‘Fuck it, might as well carry on till Monday’

(Because that’s completely logical, right)

**Face Palm**

Now, I’m all for a social life and not depriving yourself of the things you love , which is EXACTLY what I do with the girls on my  SOS  programme so if you’re sat there thinking..

“Well no, I’m not going out AT ALL for the next 60 days”
“I know it’s Davina’s wedding but I’m not gunna drink… in fact I’m just gunna drink water for the next 60 days”
“I’m gunna stick to nothing but ‘clean’ food.
No treats what so ever
Non.
For 60 days.
…Misery is where it’s at

If this is you…

You reeeaaalllyy need to GET FUCKING REAL.

Calm down.
Stop panicking.
Chill the fuck out.

Seriously..

SERIOUSLY

For 99.9% of us this ain’t gunna happen sista…
And the ones who say they do this cold turkey shit successfully?
Well… I challenge em to a Jeremey Kyle lie detector

And ya know what else ya gunna do if this is the mind set you’re in?

Set ya self up for MASSIVE failure and feel shit about how much of a big fat failing loser you are and reach for the crisps or dohnuts or pie … or all damn three.

“Well I’ve fucked it now.. might aswell carry on”

** Cries in to jumbo sized pack of Dorittos **

No.

Just no.

Now the key to this is… Guess what?…

Damage Limitation

(you can’t say it without impersonating the X-Factor guy now, right)

If you’re on my SOS programme, you receive an Action plan template and Tele Class telling you EXACTLY how to handle everything I’ve just spoken about with your own tailored Jedi Ninja tactics, together with the  guidance of yours truely, where we keep on track in a nutrition mini-session each week in order to avoid…

Impending doom.. dum dum dum

… Ahem

…I mean your social life that you CAN still have and get results if you get the right things in place

Sooooo…

Don’t turn your cheat meal in to a cheat day.. or worse… a cheat week.

Don’t go crazy with your ‘cheat’.

Seriously…

I kid you not, you can undo a full weeks worth of hard graft by eating a pizza and a tub of ice cream

and no …

“Yeah but I burnt it off”

You’ll find that you’ve just eaten it all back on, my friend

… And some, I’m afraid.

Now there isn’t a single one of my girls who is on the same plan. Some work better with a cheat meal once per week, some work better with a mini cheat planned in everyday.

Yep- every day..

(Is this  what some  ‘Personal Trainers’ might call ‘optimal’? – Nope – infact they’d probably have a fucking melt down just reading this)

But if you’re going to beat yourself up every single day in the staff room at work just to crack and binge out later anyway, you’ve got to ask your self…

Is salivating like a pavlov dog every damn day worth it?

Is it worth feeling THAT deprived every day when it can be factored in to your plan stress free?

So again, if you’re currently one of my SOS girls or one of my coaching clients you NEED to be honest with me with what you’re struggling with then we can…

… Guess What

Limit the damage.

Love

Char ‘You’re never going to be able to say that phrase normally ever again’ De Curtis

xx

 

Lessons from Brad Pitt & Why You’re still sat on the Pitty Potty

Have you ever see the film Fight Club ?
If you haven’t.. you’re massively missing out on Brad Pitt in his prime
(Pre the scratty beard and hobo chic long hair, obviously)
Anyway, there’s a quote in the film delivered by the Man God that is Brad Pitt, as the character Tyler Duerden, which goes like this…

“Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everyone else”

And until you accept that right there, I can guarantee you are going to go round in circles doing the same shit you’ve always done at the same diet groups you’ve always been to, listening to the same bullshit you always have

… And STILL expecting a different result.

Bullshitting yourself in to thinking your the unique widdle snowflake that is different to everyone else.

Harsh? .. Maybe

And for most people that’s hard to comprehend.

BUT..
Over the last two days I’ve told you about two clients with
EXACTLY the same goal.
EXACT same situation (long busy hours, no kids, lived with partner)
Given EXACTLY the same tools, time attention and resources.
One smashed it (Hate that – typical PT phrase – meh)…
The other failed. Miserably
Why?
Because she refused to let go of her victim, ‘poor little me’ story.
Here’s the thing
Shit isn’t easy for ANYONE…
But it’s all about mindset and perspective.
You think you’ve got it hard?
These are two of my clients who I worked with last year who smashed (again -MEH!) my SOS programme recently.
A full time working mum who scraped together cash to join the programme after trying everything, with 4 kids, one of which is a daughter who has Aspergers (Clinically Diagnosed) … The same daughter who had an unsuccessful suicide attempt mid SOS.
And…
A teacher embarking on a career change after a recent messy breakup, with a tumour on her Pituaitary gland which lead to some major thyroid issues. Resulting in a massive hormonal imbalance, which basically meant that her body was a good 60% less likely to lose fat effectively.
… but guess what
… Both fucking annihilated it, both surpassed the goals we set together at their initial consultations.
… Yep we, together, had to make some drastic changes mid programme and even have a bit of a ‘crisis’ meeting but they both did it.
And ya know why?
Mindset, baby.
So yesterday when I told you I wasn’t willing to listen to Little Miss Voldemort’s bullshit?
This is why…
If you’re stuck in the same vicious cycle of bullshit and unwilling to let it go
… It’s just so hard for me
… I need more help than anyone else
… Pass me the pity potty
You’ll never let go of this mentality and these stories.

Until you do, I can guarentee you’re going to be in the exact same position.

How do I know this?

Because I’ve done it myself

Everytime I think back to a time when I feel like I’ve failed…
Everytime I feel I haven’t achieved what I’ve set out to do…
Everytime I haven’t put in the work…
Everytime I’ve procrastinated…

I’ve sedated myself with stories and excuses…

Blamed other people
Sat on the Pitty PottyBut when I look back to my old story…The reality has always been that I am responsible for my own shitWhy?

Because the reality is…

I’m not special, I’m not a beautiful or unique snowflake, I’m the same decaying organic matter as everyone else…

And I’m responsible for my own actions.

And if you genuinely want to write a new story you need to realize this

… Just like I did

Love Char xx

P.S Think you’ve got what it takes to be one of my Sink or Swim (SOS) girls?
You can find out more and apply at the bottom of this link by clicking HERE

P.P.S If you’re not willing to leave your pre conceived ideas at the door, it ain’t for you.

Boobs, Karma Sutra & How To Find the Perfect Sports Bra

How To Find the Perfect Sports Bra
So, I read something a while ago that stated..
 “You know your boobs are heading south if you can hold a pencil underneath them”
At 23 weeks pregnant, it’s safe to say that  these here sweater stretchers would easily , without a doubt, support nothing less than a jumbo marker pen…
Never mind a frikkin pencil.
And if that isn’t bad enough
Nothing tells you to reassess your current  jug support than being  amidst a spontaneous mid-afternoon sofa bonk, trapped in a karma sutra-eque position  whilst getting repeatedly bitch slapped in the face by your own boob…
True Story.
So that was it… New bra day
Yayyy!!!
Honkers
Tattas
Knockers (my 7 year old’s pseudonym of choice)
Whatever you call them..
Get them babies strapped down with a good sports bra when you’re training…
SERIOUSLY.
The amount of people I see in the gym with zero breasticle support is astounding (great word) and arguably the most vital piece of equipment for us chicks…
Yet AMAZINGLY, three quarters of women in the UK wear the wrong sized Sports Bra.
Picture this, you’re going for Gold on the treadmill with your ill fitting sports bra, tiddeez flying everywhere…
believe me,  this really is less Pammy  Bay Watch and more Mummy Urangatang.
And if that visual  ain’t bad enough,  sweet cheeks…
Upon running or jumping around, the  jubblies of an average woman move up and down by a whopping 8.5cm
But all ain’t lost, my friend, this can be reduced by 52% when wearing a good fitting sports bra.
On another note, you let your  Mitchell Brothers loose to roam free as they please and you can GUARENTEE that they’ll end up as BFF’s to your belly button…
Like a pair of deflated balloons…
See, ones hooters are made up of fatty tissues and non elastic ‘Cooper’s ligaments’ that once stretched, ain’t  goin’ back Sista…
You can say hello to every woman’s worst nightmare
 …Spaniel’s Ears.
Dum dum duuuuum.
Now, I’ve had an abundance of Sports Bras  …
These days, I  pretty much live in the damn things and I’ve probably had every single brand going…
Shock Absorber being my favourite until I got my hands on the one I got recently.
Honestly it’s like the Holy Grail of Sports Bras
A black number  by Panache and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to another brand again.
Now, if you’re already reaching for the iPad at the realisation that you very well may soon fall victim to empty sand bags,  I’d highly highly recommend getting measured professionally, not just reaching for the size you THINK you might possibly be.
Now I knew my boobs we fuller but wouldn’t have ever guessed to pick up a 32FF bra (YIKES) …
I’d have probably just reached for the next back size up or something’s if I hadn’t got professionally measured.
The shop I go to is a great little shop in Bury called ‘Perfect Fit’ where they have an array (another great word- she’s on a roll) of bras that they try on you and fit you down to a tee.
Might be a treck if you’re not too local (Takes me about 40mins to get there)  but soooo worth going over even if just to get measured.
(FYI just so Ya know, I get no endorsement to promote this place what so ever but do just highly recommend the shop as this service is REALLY hard to come by.Ill post a link to their website in the ps)
So there you have it, protect your posture, save yourself shoulder problems, back pain, boob pain and the dreaded aforementioned saggy boobies and INVEST in a good sports bra.
A good one, will set you back 30 to 40 quid, don’t be a cheapskate people.
OR look at it like this…
Prevent the belly warmers with a 40 quid sports bra and save yourself a 6,000  surgical uplift.
Speaking of investments….
 Doors are now open to my Intensive 60 Day SOS programme until the end of the month only… then the doors close until further notice, prolly till January.
Investment minded, committed women, who are ready to take the plunge and aren’t offended by multiple boob pseudonyms 😉 need only apply here:
www.toohottie.co.uk/soslp
Ps… No whingers, whiners or moaners allowed either so if that’s you don’t bother clickin’
Pps…  Here’s the link to Perfect Fit in Bury >>

Abs & Askholes

abs
So, if you saw my post on my facebook page recently, you’ll know I’ve just recovered from what I call post Xmas abs..
Or lack of, to be more precise.
See it’s now the end of Feb and I’m STILL speaking to women who are asking how to get rid of the Xmas spare tyre and believe me there’s ONE single secret to a toned tummy and jaw dropping waist line …
Just ONE Princess
And I’m gunna reveal it soon.
I can GUARANTEE its not what you think.
**************
But first…
We all know that person who will continually ask for advice followed by doing the complete polar opposite.
This person is an ASKHOLE!
I’m dealing with one at the moment in the form of a friend who’s recently been dumped.
And in all my good friend glory, I’ve given her the ‘You are so much better than that and he’s ugly and tubby and he smells’  speech.
 I’ve never met the guy…
But its an unwritten girl rule that any man who hurts your friend is a douchebag… A f’ugly, tubby, stupid douche.. Who smells.
FACT
And to be quite honest this guy really does sound like a peeeeeeeeg (that’s French for pig)
A big stupid man pig!
Now, I’ve been there and bought multiple t-shirts I know how this shizzle goes down…
Now, my friend and the man pig are at the ‘I’ve told you I don’t want to be with you but I’m gunna text you and give you weird signals just to make sure you’re still there until I make my mind up… But in the meantime I’m gunna do what ever the f*ck I want ” stage of the breakup.
And did I mention she recently caught him asking a bitch he works with to send him naked pics on snapchat …
WHILST THEY WERE TOGETHER!
***gasps***
And ya know what his defence was?
…you’ll love this one…
‘It’s just banter’
OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!!
He did..
Now ya know this banter thing?! I think I’m doin’ it wrong,  cause I can’t say I’ve ever gotten naked on snapchat for banter.
 Maybe just me?
And it gets better…
He re-added this potentially naked b*tch to snapchat as soon as they split up, who is now …
Cover your eyes people….
Top of his snapchat best friends list .. Dum dum duuuuuum!!
But of course there’s ‘nothing going on’ (famous last words, right!?)
 … Nothing at all…
 Apart from all kindsa harmless naked snapchat banter!
See..  He is what the French would call ‘les dick head’
Anyway, So this is our current state of ASK HOLE conversation

Monday:

“His head’s a mess and won’t talk to me or reply until he’s ‘ready’ ”
 **Bless … my heart literally bled  for the poor guy…
I think you’ll find he is too busy on snapchat, love**
“Don’t text him, don’t ring him and delete him off all social media”

Tuesday:

“So I just text him to see if he was ready to talk and he said no… what should I do?”
“Don’t wait around for the douchetard.  Don’t text him, don’t talk to him and don’t torture yourself looking at his snapchat … Delete delete delete!”
“But I want him to see how hot I look when we go out”
*standard procedure*
“Mmmm … Well just don’t look at HIS snapchat then”
“Ok I won’t.. I definitely won’t”

Thursday:

“… The whore from work is still on his snapchat…”
*Whorey home wrecker *
“Mate, I thought we weren’t looking?”
“I know… That’s it now… No more looking”

Friday:

“So I just text him to see….”
B*TCH put down the phone!!!
Why do we do this?
WHY?
I was reading something on a blog a while ago called ‘Cupcakes and Cocktales’
… Yep
… Cock
 … Tales

Anyhoo, there was a simple line that read “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit”

… And guess what

…The stupid mofo doesn’t!
But we know this. So why does it take so long to see the wood for the trees ..
Or the trees for the wood…
Whatever the fuck it is…
We don’t see it… u
Until we are out of the trees and the wood and and kind of greenery what so ever…
Sat wondeing if we were blind and deaf for the whole relationship…
Like some weird outer body experience.

Mate, does ANYONE really want to be in a relationship with a guy who likes looking at his colleague’s pink canoe for banter?

…. No
…. Is my friend gunna listen to me about this stupid, smelly, f’ugly  vagina voyeur?

….Nope

Ya know how I know this?
Because she’s an Askhole
And I’m surrounded by ‘em. Usually in the form of…
“So I’ve been doing 509764 crunches  and sit-ups every morning followed by the ‘crank ya plank’ challenge given to me by this PT at my local gym, ya might know her actually, mid 50s, blonde hair … matching Lycra … Bit of a camel toe”
 (Ya see where I’m goin’ with this)
“and I still can’t shift this belly and I want abs by my holiday… Which, by the way, is in 4 days”
(Ever rolled your eyes so hard you’ve seen your own brain?)
See there is ONE simple thing you need to know about abs…
…..ONE…
Just one…
You are not going to see them babies if your body fat is covering them.

END. OF

FINITO.

You can train them ALL DAY EVERY DAY but if you’re not shredding your body fat down in the process then there’s abs-olutely (see what I did there) no hope what so ever I’m afraid, Hun.

Now,  3 things you need to know to get them babies out and ready for bikini season, which will be here before ya can say ‘muffin top’

• You can’t spot reduce body fat. It’s a no brainer. Just because you are doing 50,000 crunches and slaughtering ‘core’ and ab work doesn’t mean that you’re going to become more toned, defined, slimmer in that particular area if your body fat is over a certain percentage, it’s still too high to show the definition you’re working hard for. It’s absolutely essential that you’re doing the right kind of training- there’s a reason you’re slaughtering yourself for hours at the gym but you’re still no where near where you want to be. Maybe you WERE on a roll but you’ve stopped seeing improvements!? There’s a reason, my friend, you’re training wrong.
• You don’t have to train abs . Yep, ya heard me. You DON’T. Ya know when I train abs? Never. Unless I’m sore everywhere else and still want to go to the gym. Lifting heavy compound movements activates your abs and core a massive amount more than something like crunches or oblique twists which tend to predominantly reach the superficial (top layer) of muscle. Try adding heavy squats and deadlifts to your training. Make sure you’re training smart.
• Abs are made in the kitchen. Full Stop. You may think your diet’s ‘healthy’ Princess but if you’re not eating the right kind and right quantity of foods, you’re body composition, regardless of how much work you put in at the gym, is gunna be shite. Your macros (the amounts of protein carbs and fats) you eat are a HUGE factor in the way your body looks, the way your body systems work and utilise what your putting in to it to build muscle and therefore sexy athletic curves. Get your diet plan looked at- what’s the point throwing shit at a wall and hoping some of it sticks when you can have all the confusion taken out of doing it yourself and have something to follow, stress free!? Again, it’s a no brainer.

Ya know how I know this?

Because I used to be abs-essed with having a ‘toned tummy’ from being about 17 … and at the time not knowing what the hell I was doing started doing a million crunches and eating packets of whafer thin ham to get my protein in (makes me want to face-palm even now)

Yep I was clueless… and obviously, after smashing my abs to bits with two pairs of ankle weights on my legs every single day, my abs were no where more to be seen.

… But I’ll tell you about that another time, quite a funny story involving Britney Spears and a snake.
Anywayyyy…
Now, in most instances you have got to be less than 20% body fat to have any kind of definition.
The most accurate way to determine your current body fat percentage is to have your body fat percentage tested with skin fold callipers. Which takes an average of different sites from around your body. Weight on scales doesn’t account for what your body actually looks like.
Which is exactly what I do during a consultation. If this sounds like what you need to get’cha started you can check out the info here
See, bikini season is gunna be on it’s way before you know it and I can GUARANTEE that the ask holes will be out in force with the same ol’…
‘I’ve been doing crunches everyday why do I not have a six pack?’
… take on board what I’ve told ya and implement it, write that shizzle down my friend, stick it on your wall, do what the hell you like with it.
 But don’t be an ask hole.

Love Char ‘More Cocktales Coming Soon’ De Curtis xx

Ps, if you’re one of my current clients, in my Sistahood group, our  tele class this month is gunna be ‘abs’ related so feel free to drop me any questions and I’ll answer them on the live class.

Bitch Slappin’ your ego and the demise of the treadmill bitch

demise of the treadmill

demise of the treadmill

So today I’m exposing THE one key factor to reaching your goal, whether that’s fat loss, specific fitness, or just adding some serious curves…. It’s something that most women I speak to get SO wrong and I can guarantee you it’s not what you think..

So many moons ago, when I used to freelance in budget gyms (eewww) there was one particular gym with this vent built in to the wall, behind the CD player and for anyone stood outside the studio I could hear absolutely EVERYTHING.

… Now, I’m not saying I accept bribes in return for keeping ‘schtum’ but I’m partial to a Krispy Kreme doughhnut… Just sayin’.

So this particular  morning, I say ‘Hi’ to two people on the treadmill outside what I call ‘The Vent of Shame’ and as I’m putting the music on in the studio I hear..

“… Yeah that instructor in there… blah blah… she always looks ‘fit’ but then never even puts any weight on her bar in class… it just goes to show …”

What a ‘Shit Sandwich’ that is, eh.

Kinda reminded me of when my maths teacher Mrs. Mallinson would mark my book at school and say

“So your working out was good, so well done… but your answers were all wrong, go back and do them again”

Well done for trying but you are, however, dog shit at maths.

Now a couple of years ago I’d have driven home from the gym an hour later STILL wound up.

HOW. DARE. SHE.

I’d have probably still lead in bed that night, thinking of ways I should have poked my head round the door and shut the fucker up with something like…

“Listen you, I don’t know who elected you as president of the Itty Bitty Weights Commitee but I’ll have you know, that I train twice a day pretty much every single God Damn Frikkin day.

I was deadlifting 95kilos for reps this morning as part of a two hour weights session- probably before you were even out of bed.

The REASON I don’t have any kind of (what YOU with your 10kg max would consider) significant weight on my bar when I teach, is because I am not there to train, I am AT WORK and make sure people like you have got correct form (which, my friend, you often don’t ‘cuz I’ve seen that the weight you use is too heavy for you so you cant keep form) and don’t get injured.

Do I come in to your office and tell you that you that you haven’t put enough paper in the photo copier?

No.
So shut the fuck up”

I would then, challenge her to an arm wrestle in the middle of the gym’s boxing ring surrounded by gym rats making bets against me as the under dog who only lifts itty bitty weights

Followed by, in true Rocky Balboa vs Ivan drago styleee, a best of 3 battle, at the last hurdle with a all my might, blood, sweat and tears  turning the previously anti Under Dog crowd into roaring team Too Hottie, with a glorious defeat over the treadmill bitch..

My adoring fans would then hoist me up as I swung a kettle bell round my head. From no where ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blasts out of the gym speakers.

But, alas,  that’s just how my dramatic brain works.

I heard her little speech put the music on and carried on with my class. Not another thought. I dare say I think this is me maturing in to a fully fledged adult .

I bought a basil plant of my very own the other day too, so I’d go as far as to say it’s official.

See, I used to be a gym wanker like this too, I was an arrogant little shit who used to think she knew everything there was to know about training, I’d be in the gym looking round thinking

“Pffftt look at him, he’s hardly lifting any weight, I can lift more than that”

“She’s not running very fast on the treadmill, whats the point? “

Now don’t get me wrong there are occasions where a ‘HUN, what ARE you doing’ is legit’

I’d have you (and my former ignorant arse hole-ish self) consider this…

HOW do you know what that person is training for?

HOW do you know that they’re not recovering from an injury and doing light weights for rehab.

HOW do you know the reason they’re only doing 2 heavy reps in the gym followed by 4 minutes of rest is because they’re training for strength and not because they’re ‘un fit’ or lazy and need a big rest ‘cuz they can’t keep going.

HOW do you know that the reason that person over there is taking her trainers off to squat in bare feet is because she’s creating a stable base so she knows that she’s balanced and loading in her heels to effectively engage her glutes.

HOW do you know that he’s actually arching his back doing a chest press because he’s a power lifter and using a valid technique which creates more stability in the shoulders by pulling the scapula together… (But of course, your Facebook states multiple times per week that you bench like a million kilos … so you clearly know your shit bro)

And that’s the thing.

You DON’T know.

Around this same time, I had to change up my training completely, from big heavy weights and a shit load of explosive sprints and power training, like I’d usually train to LISS (Low intensity steady state) cardio, significantly lighter weights on a higher rep range with exercises I’d normally pile on the weight with and a shit load of activation work with

Wait for it.

NO WEIGHT!!

Dum dum duuuuuuuuummm

Now, again, back when I was an arse hole (some will argue I still am ha) my ego would have been too battered to stick to this kind of training because I knew everything.

But here’s the thing, your body doesn’t JUST respond how much heavy weight you can lift but more importantly the tension and tempo you create. How you load, how you execute an exercise, how you engage a particular muscle through a mind-muscle connection and the timing in which you do so.

I used to roll my eyes at people sat on the bike peddling away on their phone but all of a sudden I was one of ’em for a block of periodised training designed for a specific goal.

Not to be dramatic but I’d die of actual boredom if I didn’t get some work done on my ipad or watch a film on Netflix whilst doing steady state cardio for an hour or more

FYI.. there’s a MASSIVE difference between the above and standing on a vibration plate doing nothing but letting your fat wobble whilst texting on your phone, like I see at some gyms. And for me, the main difference here, is to have an UNDERSTANDING of why you’re doing what you’re doing and question whether it’s conducive to what you’re trying to achieve.

So don’t get confused with what I’m saying.
As Keith lemon would say ‘Don’t be a dingbat’

Train smart.

If you take nothing away from any of the info- tainment I put out … take away this

Take your ego out of your training and focus on your own shit…

That’s all I got for today

Love ya

Char ‘all grown up’ De Curtis xxx

The Truth About Your Bullsh*t Bathtime..

 

 

The Truth About Your Bullsh*t Bath time?

So this year, I didn’t make a New Years resolution but I made a conscious decision to stay OFF my Newsfeed as much as possible, unfollow all fitness models off Instagram and stop stalking people on Twitter.

Yep.

Don’t pretend you don’t stalk.

The amount of times I’ve ended up 5 people deep on someone’s page I don’t even know is ridiculous.

I mean  FlakeyB is ALL just self promotion- no one shares their bad days or the shit stuff and it’s so easy to compare your own life to everyone else’s Best bits and feel shit about it… But it’s not real life

For example I have this girl as a facebook friend who incessantly posts selfies..

Like constantly…

I’m all for a selfie but I don’t know how she works or does anything else productive with her day because we all know that there’s only one out of at least fifty selfies that makes the cut… And that shit’s time consuming.

And these aren’t any ordinary kinda selfies like ‘Here’s me and my dog’

…oh no

One, for example, was her in the bath, fully made up with freshly tousled hair perfectly draping down chest on to her, as she gazed with obvious forced interest at a book she was reading over the bath edge.

All amidst strategically placed bubbles with just enough side boob showing (obvs)

Equipped with a caption that read ‘when your girl invades your relaxing bath time unannounced’

Lets just stop right there.Read that again.

“Unannounced”

UNANNOUNCED????

I mean, please, Hun..

I don’t know about you, Sista, but when I’m in the bath I’m frikkin bright red with a foot hanging out of the side cause it too hot (don’t know why I think this cools me down), no make up on apart from leftover mascara under my eyes, my hair in a pineapple and usually a peel off face mask, half of which is usually hanging off my face!

If someone took a picture of ME ‘unannounced’ some serious arse kicking would be going down… That picture would be going NOWHERE, I tell thee.

But just so you can get the gist.. here’s one I took myself. Meh.

 

Let’s just analyse this whole situation for a second..

You’re having a bath while ‘your girl’ is at your house? do you not think that’s a bit rude? Where  have you left her exactly? If your friend has just wandered in to your house and wandered upstairs, unannounced? Shouldn’t you be locking your door?
Were you really that enthralled in your book as to ignore an intruder entering your bathroom that you didn’t even look up from your book as someone opens the door and takes a picture of you while you’re in the bath? Why werent you scared? have you never seen the bathroom scene in the film Psycho? Is someone just appearing all of a sudden in your bathroom unannounced a common occurrence?

Why exactly have you found the need to post said ‘unannounced picture’ on your OWN page, suggesting it was taken on your OWN phone?

Is it not majorly creepy that your friend is A. taking pictures of you in the bath unannounced like some weird bath time voyeur B. Equally as creepy that you’ve asked her to send this picture to your own phone so you can post it to your Own Flakebook page.

Is ‘My girl’ code for “I took this myself but didn’t want to say that, so I didn’t look like a complete wanker on Facebook for staging pictures of myself in the bath?”

But I get it…

And that’s exactly it, it’s all staged self promotion. See I can’t do with this fake shit, it winds me up, it really annoys me.

Ya know why?

Because I spent the first 8 months of last year hash tagging the shit out of how happy I was… And I wasn’t .. I was fucking unbelievably miserable.

I was, as much as it pains me to say, a Flakebook wanker.

So now when I see it, I can spot this bullshit a mile off. I see it for what it is.. Peoples insecurities manifested on social media because you feel like you have to prove the opposite, maybe?

I’d have you consider that if you’re happy you’re busy being happy, not trying to convince people on Facebook.

It’s just complete fakery.

Plus, back to my story, who looks like that unannounced in the bath? No one!

Something else to think about..

I used work with someone who used to hashtag the shit out of her selfies with #shesquats #fitness #shelifts #gymlife … Ya know what she used to say to me in REAL life?

Absolute God’s honest truth..

“I don’t know how you can be arsed going in the gym, I couldn’t think of anything worse”

Whaaaaat???!!!

 

I absolutely kid you not, that is a direct quote.

See, if you’re on a journey Or you have a goal or whatever, make it your own don’t worry what anyone else is doing cause I can guarantee its bullshit! Don’t get sucked in to other people’s workouts, meals, what they eat blah blah how much money they have…. And especially not anyone else’s bullsh*t bathtime..

Polishing Turds, Shampoo Orgasms and How to get the best out of your training

How to get the best out of your training
I’m still alive- haven’t dropped off the face of the earth or been run over or anything, half of you will be glad to know- as for the other half – Meh!
So you’ve probably noticed I haven’t been doing the typical January fitness and nutrition bombardment or the run of the mill come and buy my shit ‘cuz it’s January and everybody’s doing the ‘New Year, New Year’ bullshit… again!
Slimming down, toning up, eating green shit … Hell, I know the drill cause I used to be one of ’em.
Fact is my friend, I HATE January! I hate it with a passion … I hate January sales… I hate all the TV shows about fitness and diet … which every year I watch then get pissed off with because they are  socially unattainable and factually misleading … I hate how the gym is packed with people who disappear at the back end of Feb- don’t get me wrong I’m all for people training- Good on ya princess- but not just ‘cuz it’s january and feel like it’s the done thing.
I suppose I just hate the whole industry in January to be honest… I’ve even had to make some of my PT friends ‘aquaintences’ on Facebook because I don’t wanna see their shit. I’m sick of everyone trying to undercut everyone else, be the cheapest then posting passive aggressive stuff about how shit other trainers are JUST because it’s January and everyone freaks out- the whole industry goes fucking insane!
BTW- be wary of any trainer who calls someone else shit, there’s a reason they do it and surprise surprise it ain’t cause they’re shit compadre.
It’s all just not classy, people!!
Anyway I just HATE it
Infact, the first 20 seconds of this pretty much illustrates how I feel about all of the above.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rfi8ZoM5jk
Most of all, like I said, I hate January sales! Don’t get me wrong I love a bargain- who doesn’t- but buying a multitude of cheap crap that you have to practically rugby tackle someone’s grandma for, in a shop that resembles a jumble sale, ain’t my thing… in fact I’d go as far as to say I’d rather pay double!
Why?
Cause shopping for me is like a whole experience, I love going in to Selfridges and looking at all the pretty things and occassionally coming away with a pretty yellow bag full of makeup that subsequently leaves me living off Super Noodles for the rest of the month… but hell are my checkbones contoured.
Basically I’m not in to cheap crap because that’s exactly what it is, cheap and crap. I’m a massive believer in the whole ‘You get what you pay for’ …
And this is where it started…
So, I wanted some GHD’s for Christmas, so as you do when you’re 14, I made my mum aware that I wanted GHD hair straighteners.. GHD’s … let’s just get this straight… GHD’s
Anyway Christmas morning I eagerly opened my presents to find some hair straighteners…
‘Hair Tools’ hair straighteners …
… Not GHDs
… Hair tools.
Now I wasn’t a brat but my inner monologue’s immediate response was  ‘What the hell is this bitch playing at?’ … and before anyone hits me back an email, I’m already well aware of the starving children in Africa.
Anyway, I soon came to the conclusion that any hair straighteners were better than me and my friend Helen straightening our hair on the ironing board with an actual clothes iron, like we had been doing (true story)
Anyway after about two months my ‘Hair Tools’ broke.. so it was back to the ironing board, until I could save enough of my Woolworths wage to buy myself some GHD’s.
And sweet baby Jesus was it worth it… The whole GHD experience was just another level of  hair pampering euphoria!
Yep, as a 14 year old with a head full of LOADS of naturally wavy/ frizzy hair (Cheers to my nana Pat for that- I’m just glad I didn’t get her eyebrows!) it was like a whole new world of smoothness. I couldn’t get enough of the ‘Cause I’m Worth It’ hair whoosing. I was literally like the woman who has the shampoo orgasm on the Herbal Essences advert.
That right there was the first ever investment I made with my Woolworth’s wage.
Anyway, my first pair of GHD’s lasted me about five years until I stood on them- meh! Then I tried Cloud Nine’s (which someone else stood on – then denied it – but he did – shock, they were found underneath a mass of this persons clothes and dirty socks – which should have been put  in the wash basket – Just sayin’) ..So I went back to my trusty GHD’s.
So my point is this, if you buy cheap shit … it’s only ever gunna be cheap shit… you can’t polish a turd… but apparently you can roll it in glitter according to an instagram meme I saw recently
… but clearly, underneath it’s still a turd I’m afraid, my friend.
This same thing applies to the madness that is January, if you’re actually ready to make a change then INVEST in yourself and if you’re still feeling committed as we reach the end of January yet still feel at a loose end- Invest… I can guarentee THIS is exactly where you’re going wrong.
Basically stop being a cheapskate and expecting miracles from something that is the equivelant value of 50p.. aint gunna happen Princess.
There’s a reason why some things are more expensive than others – ’cause they’re gunna be the solution to your problem… the rest is just a cheap (yet sparkley) turd.
INVEST in something you believe in that’s going to give you some clarity on where you’ve been going wrong and why STILL after at least five ‘New Years of the New You’ trying EVERYTHING going, you’re still in the same, if not worse, frustrated, overwhelmed and desperate position.
Think about it Princess xx
P.S I have nothing to sell ‘cuz I’m full.. I have no space for new clients.. but I have a waiting list ya can jump on if you want to hit me up.
PPS. I am how ever opening up ten spaces ONLY on a new programme I’ve put together called Sink or Swim in Feb to those on my mailing list ONLY… keep you’re eyes peeled cause it’s gunna blow your frikkin mind
Love Char ‘The blower of minds’ De curtis xxxxx