If you have me on Facebook you’ve probably seen me post about my nanas (as in grandma’s… sounded like a weird euphemism for boobs when I read it back- so just to clarify)
There’s two of them (again, grandma’s- not boobs).
Nana Pat and Nana Mary – one of which recently asked me if I was going to have an orgy when I moved in to my new house
(pretty standard remark from the old bird).
So, nana Pat (the daughter of nana orgy) has these family stories that she tell people over and over again.
Every time I go round it’s your typical “Did I ever tell you the time when…”
“Yes, you’ve actually told me that 6758494 times over the past 25 years of my life to be precise, but do continue…”
You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve heard that my mum once climbed over next door’s fence with no knickers on.
But, her favourite one, other than the time I drew a picture of REALLY good apple for Susan next door (riveting, I know), is a story that I still draw lessons on to this day. A story that we never hear the end of (especially at Christmas) which goes like this…
“When our Charlotte wa’ three she once told a full bus travelling to Burnley town Centre that Pavarotti had just got on”
It was in fact an over weight Asian guy with a beard.
Now, I do have a point to telling you this …
All of which leads to the 3 reasons I will, from this day forth, be giving up my personal training career for GOOD!
So anyway, after hearing about Pakistan’s answer to Pavarotti for the millionth time, I started thinking. The fact is, there is no trainer on this earth that knows everything there is to know about deceased Italian opera singers (me included, clearly) or more to the point any single aspect of the fitness industry itself.
And I say this because how many times do you see a personal trainer who is ‘qualified’ in absolutely everything going, whilst constantly offering discounts and oozing bland substance with no message apart from ‘Buy my shit, it’s cheap’.
Yes, you’ve probably noticed I often like to lace the word ‘qualified’ with subtle sarcasm. This is purely because I know so many ‘professionals’ (oooh more sarcasm- meow), not just in the fitness industry -other professions too- who have a million and one pieces of paper saying they are ‘qualified’ to do shit and still don’t have a Scooby Doo how to implement their skills and knowledge in to real world! Or how to explain it in simple terms so people can understand and utilise it!
I mean well done on your Master’s degree hun but nothing like baffling people with bullshit.
‘If you can’t explain it in simple terms then ya don’t know whatcha talkin’ about’
Ya know who orginally said that? Well, words to that effect?
Ya know what I do see a lot of though… what I like to call ‘Superhero PT’s’
I’m referring to the ‘Carpet Carrying Avengers’ ya see on Facebook disguising themselves as the DO’ers who manage to inadvertently serve you a shame sandwich most mornings pre 10 am by posting how much shit they’ve smashed …
It usually goes a bit like this…
“ In the gym smashing my workout by 6am, followed by completeing plans for all my clients and smashing a uni assignment. Now I’m off for my delicious lunch of chicken and broccoli because gains don’t gain them selves … what have you done with your morning #DoYouEvenLift”
Listen mate, that’s really cute, bless ya… but try getting all that shit done being a working mum with two kids (one of which has additional needs) running a house and working shifts whilst staying in decent shape and STILL smashing workouts and achieving goals… like my awesome client Kirsty.
For real people ‘smashing’ all that shit is a struggle and all it does is fuel an ‘I’m better than you mentality’.
But I’ll let you in on something- I’m surrounded by these douchebags on a regular basis and unfortunately for these Tupperware Titans the harsh reality usually goes as follows…
Yes you’re in the gym from 6 am because you are employed by said gym and drew the short straw from your manager to open up for the general public… you’ve then ‘smashed’ a work out whilst you have a three hour gap between clients, because, lets face it… you’re not that good of a trainer and not half as busy with clients as you’d have everyone on Facebook believe, therefore giving you more time to eat your soggy chicken and broccoli, which you in fact hate eating… Followed by taking a swelfie with said chicken and broccoli (minus the bacon butty and snickers that you’ve also just eaten)… And don’t forget the strategically placed bicep with a hash tag of ‘gun show’
… And that’s just the females!!
We all have at least one of these morons on Facebook right?!
And don’t get me started on the incessant posting of their irrelevant physiological knowledge.. the krebs cycle, neuromuscular responses … BORING- no one cares.
You trying to help people? Or ya trying to impress other PT’s with your long words?
Ya know what that’s called? Baffling people with bullshit!
I’ll tell you why..
Ya know what the krebs cycle will give you in relation to your goals?
Because it’s the most boring fucking thing you will ever hear about in your entire life! FACT!
Believe it or not, even more boring than the REALLY good apple I drew for Susan next door!..
In a nutshell the krebs cycle is a metabolic pathway that can use fat as an energy source.
As a client you don’t need to know about cellular reactions. It really is a serious case of look at me and all my glorious knowledge. Respect me you inferior non scientific non fitness monkey… and while you’re at it buy my shit (8 sessions for 50p cause I’m struggling over here) because clearly you can see how good I am at quoting text books.
On pretty much every fitness related course I’ve been on over the years (and I’ve been on A LOT) there’s always…
One middle aged, grapevine loving, 80’s throwback, who reckons she knows more about diet and training than anyone on the course- often including the course leader. Typically clad in a size too small lycra ensemble, equipped with a brutal camel toe.
A camel toe which I just can’t stop staring at, in complete morbid fascination.
I absolutely kid you not, EVERY frikkin course.
So, just so you can get the full image of ‘Camel Toe’. She is obsessed with Rosemary Connelly, juices absolutely fucking everything in sight and LOVES aerobics and I can spot this bitch like a fart in a lift as soon as she walks in. I do not wanna be in Camel Toe’s group, at her table or even risk getting in to any kind of conversation which may lead to a subjective debate about training and nutrition, because shit would definitely go down and it would not be pretty.
Remember when I told you about the ‘hormone induced rage’ in my last blog ?
Well this is a similar kinda thing… but worse!!
Camel Toe induced rage!
Ultimately resulting in this kinda show down..
(maybe substituting samurais for dumbells?).
Ya see, the reason that I don’t wanna get in to a discussion with Camel Toe is the fact that chicks like her will tell you anything to get you on board and do not like to be challenged about ANYTHING.
They acually weigh the same lb for lb but the mass of fat is greater than that of muscle thus taking up more space than muscle which is more compact and dense.
And my favourite …
‘Squats are bad for your knees.’
I mean.. is it crack?
Is it crack that you smoke, hun?
What do squats do?
Strengthen the muscles in the legs, back and core (if done correctly).
You know who has bad knees? Long distance runners and people who only lift baby weights for a million reps at a time- due to repetitive stress and no support around the joint.
I even heard a local Camel Toe a few weeks ago, whilst I was running on the treadmill (which I hate by the way), come out of the studio to recruit people for her zumba toning class, professing to the girl next to me that the class was… wait for it… good for her core.
… Cue Camel Toe rage
Stuff like this annoys the shit outta me.
Can we just stop fucking misinforming people, Ok?
No wonder most women don’t know their arse from their elbow being told shit like that.
Ya know what is NOT good for your core? Poncing about shaking a pair of bloody maracas.
And with all the courses Camel Toe has been on (And I should know, cause I’ve swerved her on every single one) she should frikkin well knows this too.
I have nothing but an incessant intolerance of sleazy PT’s by the way! Respect your profession and your clients for fuck sake.
Anyhooo, so what I’m trying to say with my Dave analogy is this-
But more importantly..
Picture this, heaven forbid, you take a serious bash to the head like the poor cricket player on the news (God rest his soul). Who do ya think is gunna peform your brain surgery?
HELL. FUCKING. NO
And why not? Because a GP is a Jack of all trades who knows a little bit about everything but not enough about anything in particular that’s gunna get you where you want to be… which in this instance, is alive… pretty big deal.
Ya see where I’m coming from, hun?
Now I’m not denying there are some decent PT’s out there but with the nature of the industry even Nana Orgy could become a personal trainer over a three weekend PT course as long as she handed over £3,000 of her pension.
So thanks to Camel Toe, Captain Carpet Carrier the and Dave I’ve decided to Jack in ‘Personal Training’ in all together! Cause I’m sick of all this conformist industry bullshit!
I did a lot of soul searching 4 years ago, career wise, and found that, after coming to a point where I HATED everything about an industry I once LOVED and getting to a point where I just didn’t believe in it anymore- I was stressed and miserable because I’d been trying to be everything to everyone (AKA Dave syndrome).
So here’s the thing, I got rid of it all to do something I believe in – cheesy? yes – But the reality is I’m not here to conform and go by the book just because someone somewhere says so or cause it’s trendy at the time before jumping on to the nest thing.
Believe me, I’ve been in the industry for 10 years and I can assure you – NO one is recreating the wheel… it’s all just the same stuff re-marketed in a new pretty package.
The same shit STILL works! The same shit STILL doesn’t! It’s how you use it.
Now I’m not here to offer something that can be found just anywhere- who needs another commodity!?
No one, that’s who.
There’s LOADS of free resources out there and I’d suggest tha’s where you start – educate yourself chico- see what ya believe in and find what works for ya. Just because your mate’s boyfriend’s sister lost 14 stone in a day (Love Peter Kay) doesnt mean that you will – She is a freak – you my friend, are not.
I’m 100% not everybodys cuppa tea
Why dya think I say whatever the fuck I feel like? Cause the wet mops, don’t like to be called out on their bullshit!
They’ll screw their little wet moppy faces in digust at my ‘unprofessional’ potty mouth and my no nonsense approach. Which will HOPEFULLY result in them un liking my page.. unsubscribing from my emails .. and carrying on with their Juice Plus shakes and Drink Your Own Piss detox juices.
Being myself filters out the people I don’t want to work with, cause I don’t want to work with people who aren’t ready to make a change or that I’m not gunna gel with.
And again… fart … lift …. I can spot these people straight away- just like Camel Toe!
Is this how other people work? Nope.
Is what I got the same as other Camel Toe’s, Dave’s and the rest?
Absolutely fucking not.
If you feel like you might be ready to go against the grain, you can check out the first step to us working together here
Cut out sugar.
Cut out grains.
Cut out carbs.
Cut out gluten
In fact cut out ANY foods you enjoy.
No fats and carbs together.
No carbs after 6pm.
Absolutely no treats. None.
None what so ever.
DEFINITELY no foods that you enjoy because they will send your hormones spiralling out of control and you will end up three stone heavier by tomorrow morning… FACT.
Death, despair and misery must enter your life before you lose fat, gain curves and turn in to Megan Fox using shakes provided by Linda from accounts.
(Tell you about her later)
If you’re not stressing about macros, nutrient timing and sodium intake, you are 100% not doing it right.
Suffering is where it’s at.
More misery … more fat loss… more results.
Buy organic EVERYTHING… the more money you throw at that miracle organic shiit?
The faster your results.
Make sure Everything you’re eating
(including your coconut oil)
is smothered in coconut oil.
If you’re not ‘beasting’ yourself (Whatever that means) for at least 2 hours a day in the gym, to the point of actual near death by burpees?
SHAME. ON. YOU
Have a 400-500 calorie Holy Grail breakfast shake
Shake recipe must include the tears of a 65 year old male virgin and a camel testical ..
Camel testical must be extracted from camel by said virgin.
Guess what? …
No fat loss for YOU.
(Camel bollock will keep you satiated till lunch time)
(So would eating ACTUAL breakfast but hey- MISERY)
All kindsa camel ball misery.
And heaven forbid you should forget to take your cleansing Aloe 100% natural Jesus Juice, soul cleansing, miracle working herba-detox capsules.
(And make sure you buy them from Linda, who works in accounts, who has been at Slimming World for the past 3 years and did a 5K 1 time so she’s now an expert… Cause she 100% knows what she’s talking about)
You could do non of those things.
Leave the camel balls, despair and misery to Linda, from accounts.
Eat a diet of food you actually ENJOY and just stick to the principle of an energy deficit and a flexible diet whilst losing fat and gaining curves.
Getting back your mojo and creating a body you LOVE.
Just like the women I work with.
Women just like you.
Who I soon get on the straight and narrow, with zero Camel bollocks in sight
Which is exactly what I’m gunna teach you how to do within the next 7 days.
We start tomorrow Princess.
See ya there,
Love Char ‘Say No To Linda’ De Curtis
PS.. You wanna see summa them chicks I beez pimpin’ out?
(Disclaimer ** Not literally)
Click here to view summ’a my recent transformations
^^^ It don’t get more vulgar and offensive than that does it, Honey Bunny.
I remember as an innocent 8 year old asking my mum what it meant.
Only to be met with a look of horror and told not to say that word EVER again.
This incident was around the time I also told my Year 4 teacher that my Nana Pat got a Blow Job from Andy Jackson every Saturday.
BJ’s aside, I think we can all agree that the C-Bomb really is THE most vile and offensive word known to woman kind.
(Hence my mum’s horrified face at it’s sheer utterance)
One word that can immediately screw a woman’s face up with a look of disgust
Here’s the thing..
How many times have you bought in to miracle creams of wonder
that claim to OBLITERATE cellulite.
Firming up your derriere to leave you with an arse as firm and magnificent as that of Kylie Minogue, Circa Gold Hot pants.
***** How many women do ya know that it’s ACTUALLY worked for? *******
‘Cuz it’s the same calibre of bullshit as…
Tea Tox fat burning tea …
Waist trainers ..
Cellulite banishing body wraps…
It’s a bunch of big ol’ stinkin’ bullshit.
Think about it this way
Cellulite is subcutaneous wobbly fat that forms dimples as it lies.
You can’t tone fat. SIMPLE.
Even if you firm the skin, it’s still not the skin that’s the issue.
It’s the fat.
And this is the number one complaint of women I see when they first come to a consulation with me.
Frustrated, overwhelmed women who’ve tried EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING from creams to toning belts to extensive running and endless spinning classes under the impression that the outcome will be toned legs, less body fat
And ZERO cellulite
(Above, of which, are useless methods to eradicate cellulite, by the way)
Ain’t nothing worse than working you’re arse off only to still be jiggly
I hear ya Sista.
Ya wanna look good wit’cha clothes off too, right!?
If ya wanna ditch Cellulite (and ya clothes) for good?
Then ya might wanna consider joining me for a consultation where we’ll go through a full body analysis of where you are vs where you want to be … and exactly how to REALLY ya get there (minus all the bullshit obvs).
Plus all the cool shizzle you get in the Starter Pack that you get for free with your consultation.
Ya can check it out by clicking here
BUT, if ya wanna ‘go it alone’ which is abso-frikkin- lutely fine too
Here’s the drill…
Train with weights to grow the muscle underneath so your legs, for example, are made up predominantly of firm muscle as opposed to wobbly fat.
I’m not talkin’ Schwartseneggar-esque muscle growth
(which is nigh on impossible for women BTW)
… But long, lean shapely muscle which gives what most people refer to as ‘a toned look’
(All of which I teach ‘how to’ in my consultation Starter Pack)
Numero Deux (Yes, I know that’s French but I don’t know the Spanish word for ‘2’ …MEH)
Work on decreasing your body fat percentage.
Now the best way to determine your current body fat percentage (without having an expensive Dexa scan) is with the use of callipers to measure sites of fat on your body, which is something I do for each client on a consultation.
However for a very rough guide you can also use scales, but be wary if you’re prone to retaining water.
Tomorrow we’re talkin’ ’bout THE best type of training to torch body fat in 4 minutes
I kid you not.
See ya tomorrow
Love Char ‘As shit at French as I am at Spanish’ De Curtis
PS… Here’s that consultation link again www.toohottie.co.uk/consultation