Linda, A Camel Testicle & The Tears Of A Virgin

Cut out sugar.
Cut out grains.
Cut out carbs.
Cut out gluten

In fact cut out ANY foods you enjoy.

No fats and carbs together.
No carbs after 6pm.
Absolutely no treats. None.

None what so ever.
DEFINITELY no foods that you enjoy because they will send your hormones spiralling out of control and you will end up three stone heavier by tomorrow morning… FACT.

Death, despair and misery must enter your life before you lose fat, gain curves and turn in to Megan Fox using shakes provided by Linda from accounts.

(Tell you about her later)
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If you’re not stressing about macros, nutrient timing and sodium intake, you are 100% not doing it right.
That’s right.

SUFFER

Suffering is where it’s at.
More misery … more fat loss… more results.
Buy organic EVERYTHING… the more money you throw at that miracle organic shiit?

The faster your results.
Make sure Everything you’re eating
(including your coconut oil)
is smothered in coconut oil.
If you’re not ‘beasting’ yourself (Whatever that means) for at least 2 hours a day in the gym, to the point of actual near death by burpees?

SHAME. ON. YOU
Have a 400-500 calorie Holy Grail breakfast shake

Shake recipe must include the tears of a 65 year old male virgin and a camel testical ..
Camel testical must be extracted from camel by said virgin.

Otherwise …
Guess what? …
No fat loss for YOU.

NON.

Sorry.

(Camel bollock will keep you satiated till lunch time)
(So would eating ACTUAL breakfast but hey- MISERY)

All kindsa camel ball misery.
And heaven forbid you should forget to take your cleansing Aloe 100% natural Jesus Juice, soul cleansing, miracle working herba-detox capsules.
(And make sure you buy them from Linda, who works in accounts, who has been at Slimming World for the past 3 years and did a 5K 1 time so she’s now an expert… Cause she 100% knows what she’s talking about)
OR




You could do non of those things.
Leave the camel balls, despair and misery to Linda, from accounts.
Eat a diet of food you actually ENJOY and just stick to the principle of an energy deficit and a flexible diet whilst losing fat and gaining curves.

Getting back your mojo and creating a body you LOVE.

Just like the women I work with.
Women just like you.

Who I soon get on the straight and narrow, with zero Camel bollocks in sight

Winner.
Which is exactly what I’m gunna teach you how to do within the next 7 days.
We start tomorrow Princess.
See ya there,
Love Char ‘Say No To Linda’ De Curtis

PS.. You wanna see summa them chicks I beez pimpin’ out?
(Disclaimer ** Not literally)

Click here to view summ’a my recent transformations

The C Word

cellulite

^^^ It don’t get more vulgar and offensive than that does it, Honey Bunny.

I remember as an innocent 8 year old asking my mum what it meant.
Only to be met with a look of horror and told not to say that word EVER again.

This incident was around the time I also told my Year 4 teacher that my Nana Pat got a Blow Job from Andy Jackson every Saturday.

Blow Job..
Blow Dry..

Meh

Potatoe..
Pota-R-toe..

Anyhoo,

BJ’s aside, I think we can all agree that the C-Bomb really is THE most vile and offensive word known to woman kind.

(Hence my mum’s horrified face at it’s sheer utterance)

One word that can immediately screw a woman’s face up with a look of disgust

One Word…

CELLULITE

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Here’s the thing..

How many times have you bought in to miracle creams of wonder
that claim to OBLITERATE cellulite.

Firming up your derriere to leave you with an arse as firm and magnificent as that of Kylie Minogue, Circa Gold Hot pants.
***** How many women do ya know that it’s ACTUALLY worked for? *******

Cue Tumbleweed

‘Cuz it’s the same calibre of bullshit as…

Tea Tox fat burning tea …
Waist trainers ..
Cleansing capsules..
Cellulite banishing body wraps…

It’s a bunch of big ol’ stinkin’ bullshit.

Think about it this way

Cellulite is subcutaneous wobbly fat that forms dimples as it lies.

You can’t tone fat. SIMPLE.

Even if you firm the skin, it’s still not the skin that’s the issue.
It’s the fat.

And this is the number one complaint of women I see when they first come to a consulation with me.

Frustrated, overwhelmed women who’ve tried EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING from creams to toning belts to extensive running and endless spinning classes under the impression that the outcome will be toned legs, less body fat

And ZERO cellulite

(Above, of which, are useless methods to eradicate cellulite, by the way)

Ain’t nothing worse than working you’re arse off only to still be jiggly

I hear ya Sista.

Ya wanna look good wit’cha clothes off too, right!?

If ya wanna ditch Cellulite (and ya clothes) for good?

Then ya might wanna consider joining me for a consultation where we’ll go through a full body analysis of where you are vs where you want to be … and exactly how to REALLY ya get there (minus all the bullshit obvs).

Plus all the cool shizzle you get in the Starter Pack that you get for free with your consultation.

Ya can check it out by clicking here

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BUT, if ya wanna ‘go it alone’ which is abso-frikkin- lutely fine too

Here’s the drill…

Numero Uno:
Train with weights to grow the muscle underneath so your legs, for example, are made up predominantly of firm muscle as opposed to wobbly fat.

I’m not talkin’ Schwartseneggar-esque muscle growth

(which is nigh on impossible for women BTW)

… But long, lean shapely muscle which gives what most people refer to as ‘a toned look’

(All of which I teach ‘how to’ in my consultation Starter Pack)

Numero Deux (Yes, I know that’s French but I don’t know the Spanish word for ‘2’ …MEH)

Work on decreasing your body fat percentage.

Now the best way to determine your current body fat percentage (without having an expensive Dexa scan) is with the use of callipers to measure sites of fat on your body, which is something I do for each client on a consultation.

However for a very rough guide you can also use scales, but be wary if you’re prone to retaining water.

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Tomorrow we’re talkin’ ’bout THE best type of training to torch body fat in 4 minutes

I kid you not.

See ya tomorrow

Love Char ‘As shit at French as I am at Spanish’ De Curtis

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PS… Here’s that consultation link again www.toohottie.co.uk/consultation