The Queen Eats First (and other sh*t they don’t tell you)

Relationship Goals, Gone Girls and ‘Shouldy’ Behaviour..

 

The One.
The love of your life.
The man who fathered your beautiful little Angels.

You go on this amazing nine month journey, together, as a team, posting cute pics on your Facebook of your (hashtag) amazingman, as he kisses your rotund belly and does all kindsa cute baby related shizzle. You gush with pride at your real life Prince- Charming-Baby-Daddy and what an amazing father you can picture in your mind.

For me, the pinnacle moment of this magnificent journey with my other half..
The part that REALLY brought us together?

Was lying next to the man who’s given me my two most precious gifts, the one who has been there with me through the joyous baby boy news, the first kicks, the cankles

The bump kisses.
The foot massages.
The I’m just gunna sit there wide eyed through the hormormal rage and hope it goes away facial expressions.

So there I am, lying in bed staring at my fella’s little face at 2am as he’s sound asleep.
Snoring.
Tiny bit of dribble on his chin.
Not a care in the world.

As I wistfully find myself thinking..

I would literally love nothing more.
Than to punch you in the f*cking throat.

Yep.

In a world of post baby hashtags of ‘Relationship Goals’, there was me, with an overpowering urge to knock my fella’s lights out.

Should I be ashamed that Gone Girl was my “Go To” maternity book?

Probably.

Now, it’s important to point out that this didn’t just pop up outta no where and partner resentment is something I hear A LOT from the Mums that I train, regardless of how old their kids are.

So thank the Lord that occasionally fantasizing about burying you other half under the patio because he was home half an hour late, is an actual thing..

“Where have you been?”
“I just nipped for my hair cut..”

Followed by a rational conversation, right?

No.

OBVIOUSLY I do what any other normal hormonal woman would do..

Storm into one’s kitchen, bang some cupboard doors and proceed to clean all worktops in an inappropriately aggressive manner, whilst mutter expletives of rage under one’s breath…

Ohhhh. you just nipped?
You just. F*cking. NIPPED to get your hair cut, yeah?

Well, I’ll tell you what, knob head..
I’ve cooked this baby for nine months, been sliced and diced like a cow in a butchers to get him out, sat at home within 4 walls all day because I’m too tired to go anywhere, not to mention my nipples are sore as f*ck and I’ve had a baby dangling off my pap, on demand, at least 5 times today.

I feel like shit. I look like shit.
 And can’t even shave my vag in peace..

But YOU.
YOU… just nipping here, popping there, not a care in the world…

*******
“Babe? are you ok?”

“YES. BABE. Everything is just fucking fine isn’t it?” **

*** Cue wide eyed hormonal rage face ***
(Poor sod)

Now, I’d just like to point out that I love both my babies and, when I’m not plotting his demise for being half an hour late home, I love my fella very much too.

But the post baby situation is hard and it ain’t all ‘relationship goals’.

For a lot of the mums I train, whether they have new babies, toddlers, even the ones that have kids that are teens and beyond, something I hear a lot is this..

“I lost my self when I had my kids”

Now, don’t get this confused, these women LOVE their kids beyond belief and they are, unquestionably, the best little things that have ever happened to them… But it was only yesterday I was talking to one of my Mamas about how she felt she’d lost her own identity post baby, and I totally get it..

Something I learnt post baby, and a mantra that serves me well to this day, is this..

The Queen eats first.
The queen is me, FYI.

Now, here’s the (unfortunate) general consensus..

“Well that’s selfish, your kids should come before anything. You’re kids come first.. shame on you blah blah”

And I get it.
It’s the done thing.
It’s what you’re SUPPOSED to do, right?
It’s the ‘shouldy’ behaviour rearing it’s ugly head.

I often find, there’s a certain amount of shame attached to what you ‘should’be doing ..

Putting yourself after everyone else (even if that means neglecting your own needs and how you feel about yourself).
Relationship goal hashtags (even when you feel like burying the poor sod in the garden)..

Not being the mum that ‘does it all’.
The guilt that you didn’t feed your kids organic everything.
Your body not immediately pinging back to pre baby like everyone else’s seems to.
Going back off maternity too late.. too early.
Deciding not to work.. go back full time.. go back part time.
Breast feeding for too long… not long enough … and Heaven forbid you bottle feed your kids.

**You should be grateful that you can even conceive at all.. so you shouldn’t feel like that .. shouldn’t talk about that… shouldn’t put yourself first…**

Shame. On.  you.

So, what do we do?
We don’t talk about it..

Because we’re worried more about offending someone, somewhere with the reality of how we feel, and actually addressing the shame that comes with it

Now, Interestingly, in my FREE Sistahood Facebook group I asked the question last week of..

“What is your number one priority”

Do you know, not one single person.. Not even one.. said themselves.

Not one answered with ‘Me, I am my number one priority’
One even said ‘My Dog’.

Now, again, I get it, but here’s why The Queen eats first in my house..

If I feel like shit about my self?
If I’m knackered?
If my Inner Bitch is doing backflips with negative self talk based around shame and ‘shouldy’ behavior?
If I’m comparing myself to everyone else’s ‘relationship goals’?
If I’m not taking time out for some ‘me time’?
If I’m neglecting my workouts?
If I’m not eating so well?

If I’m not putting myself FIRST?

Then how can I parent my kids properly?
How can I have a loving relationship when I don’t even feel like I love myself?
How can I be a good role model to my kids when I’m stressed and short with them.
How can I be productive and not feel like I’m not just constantly treading water?

So, my invitation to you today is to stop treating exhaustion and perfectionism as a status symbol and take some time to work on yourself.
To prioritise YOU.
Whatever that looks like, on your own terms.

If ya feel like you need some help, maybe some support and guidance to get you started?

You can check out my Breakthrough Appointment here and we can chat about how to help you find yourself again, Homegirl.

Lotsa love,
Char xx

Lookin’ At Your Sleepy B!tch?

 

 

 

Do you ever have those mornings?

Ya know, where your alarm doesn’t go off…

(Because you totes forgot to set it amidst falling asleep watching re runs of Friends on Netflix in bed?)

So you roll out of bed, resembling Back To The Future’s Doc Brown, in all his crazy hair and dazed eccentric glory as you screech the names  of your kids, who are also still sound asleep..

Run round the house like a bat shit crazy person in your dressing gown and 1 slipper trying to organise uniforms/ breakfast/ lunch for work..

You’re half way to the car feeling like total Mum Of The Year, as you launch Belvita Breakfast Biscuits in the direction of your kids, taken from your emergency stash… For emergencies just like this one, which are becoming more and more common.

You land at school just in time (PHEW) as you hurry your kids out of the car then get to work in a total daze of panic, only to realise that in the madness you forgot your lunch, you’re not mentally prepared for your meeting and haven’t arranged anyone to walk the dog so he’s deffo gunna have shat on the floor by the time you rush home at lunch to walk him.

All day you find shit going wrong and the notion of your diet (ya know the one that’s gunna bring about the fabulous ‘new you’)

Yeh?
The one that was absolutely 100% starting Monday?

Yeh.
Gone.

Vending machine it is.

From start to finish you’ve had a pretty shit day, you get home and run round after everyone else (standard), which in turn finds you being short tempered with your husband and kids because you’re stress levels are through the roof by this point… and you’re bloody knackered, by all standards.

You take the kids to activities, make tea, put kids to bed, clean up .. blah blah..

Finally, you sit down to scroll Facebook, only to be met with a vomit fest status update from your favourite Mum Of The Year, you know the one…

Perfect kids.
Perfect husband.
Probs got a perfectly waxed fanny and a bleached arsehole.

…and how she set her kids up for the day with a nutritious breakfast of salmon and eggs so that they have enough brain energy (equipped with staged picture of said salmon)

Suddenly, you’re hit with a pang of guilt about the Belvita Biscuits from this morning..

Then it hits you..

F*ck it.
Only one thing can solve this.

Suddenly you stand up off the sofa and proceed to stride out of the living room as your Inner Bitch proclaims with utter conviction..

“Wine it is!!”

=======================

Here’s the thing..

Your day can either happen FOR you or TO you.

And, unless you’re the perfectly waxed fanny and bleached arsehole type, I’m guessing you can recall a time when your day happened TO you – with everything feeling totally out of your control and all going to shit from start to finish…

Totally against what you actually want.
Totally against what you’re trying to achieve.

Rather than your day happening FOR you, where you have clarity and action.

Now, A LOT of the women I speak to are struggling to make any progress because they are consumed day in-day-out with things happening TO THEM and not FOR THEM.

So, I help these women on the road to be happy and healthy in a body they rock , on their own terms, by looking at 5 different principles…

One of them I’m gunna share with your now, Home Girl..

And it’s called Sleep Hygiene.

(Or ‘Sleepy Bitch’ as I like to call it on my Inner Bitch Mindset module)

See, Sleepy Bitch ain’t just about the sleep itself, it’s about setting yourself up at night so you can win the next day..

And this teamed with my ‘Morning B!tch’ principle, allows my clients to get clarity and concise action by making small, stress free, changes.

Might tell ya about ‘Morning B!tch’ some time too but for now here’s three things to make your own Sleepy B!tch work, so that your own day happens FOR you and not To you..

Sleepy B!tch takes a big role in your day by allowing you to fall asleep like clock work, wind down easily, de stress and enjoy your evening having had a day that happened FOR you with clarity and control. It allows you a refreshing deep night’s sleep and in turn balances your hormones.

These are just three of the concepts you can try yourself that I teach to my clients…

  1. Leave your phone in the bathroom

    You ever do that thing where you wake up in the night then just ‘check your phone just because it’s there?
    Then before you know it you’re watching a video of a cat who can play the ukulele, you’re wide awake and there’s no getting back to sleep.

For my clients who have this issue, I invite them to try leaving their phone in the bathroom or on the landing at bed time, rather than having it near their bed.
This way you can still hear your alarm and there ain’t no snoozin’ because you have to physically get out of bed to turn it off.
It’s also more unlikely you’re going to disturb your sleep to the point of wide awake club via ukulele cat videos. Chances are you’ll be able to fall back asleep, more or less straight away by avoiding the over stimulation, thus giving you a decent sleep.

  1. Make your bedroom a place JUST for sleeping

    OK and bonking… let’s just say bedroom activities instead shall we?

Your brain and body are a funny thing and they like an environment that has unconscious familiarity.

If I put you in a gym a gym- what do you think you’re gunna do?
If I put you in a classroom- what do you think you’re gunna do?
If I put you in kitchen – what do you do?

I’m gunna assume your answers to the above were exercise, learn and cook?

So when you’re in your bedroom, what do you do?

Watch TV? Work on your laptop?

Ya see where I’m going with this?

If sleep is something you struggle with I’m inviting you to try to make your bedroom a place where you just SLEEP.

Ok, so I get you probs get changed in there in a morning, but in the evening, your bedroom is for sleeping and bonking from now on, OK?

So that your body and brain has that unconscious trigger of ‘Ok, I’m in my bedroom now, this is where I sleep’.

Effective ways of doing this are sleeping in a tidy environment, having a scent to your bedroom (like lavender- something different to the rest of your house- which, again gives that trigger of bedroom = bed time = time to sleep zzzz ) and turning  off all electricals in your bedroom to rid of electronic smog.

  1. Set a bed time.

    I used to be a nightmare for working weird hours and staying up till 2am some nights to get things done and it would really effect the following day when it came to my day  happening TO me, not FOR  me’. This was purely because my sleep patterns were all over the bloody place.

The thing is, your body and brain LOVE patterns and habits so setting a bed time, just like you would for your kids, allows you to get a body clock sync and create a norm where you’re body will naturally start to feel tired.

If you can switch off at a certain time of day not only will it make you more productive with the time you’ve got but will ensure you wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on your day.

So there ya have it, if sleeps something your struggling with and you feel you’re day is often happening TO you and not FOR you… It’s worth exploring your Sleepy B!tch first.

Would love to know how you get on or anything else you’re struggling with, so feel free to hit me an email back or if ya wanna chat my Breakthrough Appointments are open to book until the end of the month

Lotsa Love,

Lottie ‘Sleepy Bitch’ Too Hottie xx