So, if you saw my post on my facebook page recently, you’ll know I’ve just recovered from what I call post Xmas abs..
Or lack of, to be more precise.
See it’s now the end of Feb and I’m STILL speaking to women who are asking how to get rid of the Xmas spare tyre and believe me there’s ONE single secret to a toned tummy and jaw dropping waist line …
Just ONE Princess
And I’m gunna reveal it soon.
I can GUARANTEE its not what you think.
We all know that person who will continually ask for advice followed by doing the complete polar opposite.
This person is an ASKHOLE!
I’m dealing with one at the moment in the form of a friend who’s recently been dumped.
And in all my good friend glory, I’ve given her the ‘You are so much better than that and he’s ugly and tubby and he smells’ speech.
I’ve never met the guy…
But its an unwritten girl rule that any man who hurts your friend is a douchebag… A f’ugly, tubby, stupid douche.. Who smells.
And to be quite honest this guy really does sound like a peeeeeeeeg (that’s French for pig)
A big stupid man pig!
Now, I’ve been there and bought multiple t-shirts I know how this shizzle goes down…
Now, my friend and the man pig are at the ‘I’ve told you I don’t want to be with you but I’m gunna text you and give you weird signals just to make sure you’re still there until I make my mind up… But in the meantime I’m gunna do what ever the f*ck I want ” stage of the breakup.
And did I mention she recently caught him asking a bitch he works with to send him naked pics on snapchat …
WHILST THEY WERE TOGETHER!
And ya know what his defence was?
…you’ll love this one…
‘It’s just banter’
OH NO HE DIDN’T!!!!
Now ya know this banter thing?! I think I’m doin’ it wrong, cause I can’t say I’ve ever gotten naked on snapchat for banter.
Maybe just me?
And it gets better…
He re-added this potentially naked b*tch to snapchat as soon as they split up, who is now …
Cover your eyes people….
Top of his snapchat best friends list .. Dum dum duuuuuum!!
But of course there’s ‘nothing going on’ (famous last words, right!?)
… Nothing at all…
Apart from all kindsa harmless naked snapchat banter!
See.. He is what the French would call ‘les dick head’
Anyway, So this is our current state of ASK HOLE conversation
“His head’s a mess and won’t talk to me or reply until he’s ‘ready’ ”
**Bless … my heart literally bled for the poor guy…
I think you’ll find he is too busy on snapchat, love**
“Don’t text him, don’t ring him and delete him off all social media”
“So I just text him to see if he was ready to talk and he said no… what should I do?”
“Don’t wait around for the douchetard. Don’t text him, don’t talk to him and don’t torture yourself looking at his snapchat … Delete delete delete!”
“But I want him to see how hot I look when we go out”
“Mmmm … Well just don’t look at HIS snapchat then”
“Ok I won’t.. I definitely won’t”
“… The whore from work is still on his snapchat…”
*Whorey home wrecker *
“Mate, I thought we weren’t looking?”
“I know… That’s it now… No more looking”
“So I just text him to see….”
B*TCH put down the phone!!!
Why do we do this?
I was reading something on a blog a while ago called ‘Cupcakes and Cocktales’
Anyhoo, there was a simple line that read “If a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit”
… And guess what
…The stupid mofo doesn’t!
But we know this. So why does it take so long to see the wood for the trees ..
Or the trees for the wood…
Whatever the fuck it is…
We don’t see it… u
Until we are out of the trees and the wood and and kind of greenery what so ever…
Sat wondeing if we were blind and deaf for the whole relationship…
Like some weird outer body experience.
Mate, does ANYONE really want to be in a relationship with a guy who likes looking at his colleague’s pink canoe for banter?
…. Is my friend gunna listen to me about this stupid, smelly, f’ugly vagina voyeur?
Ya know how I know this?
Because she’s an Askhole
And I’m surrounded by ‘em. Usually in the form of…
“So I’ve been doing 509764 crunches and sit-ups every morning followed by the ‘crank ya plank’ challenge given to me by this PT at my local gym, ya might know her actually, mid 50s, blonde hair … matching Lycra … Bit of a camel toe”
(Ya see where I’m goin’ with this)
“and I still can’t shift this belly and I want abs by my holiday… Which, by the way, is in 4 days”
(Ever rolled your eyes so hard you’ve seen your own brain?)
See there is ONE simple thing you need to know about abs…
You are not going to see them babies if your body fat is covering them.
You can train them ALL DAY EVERY DAY but if you’re not shredding your body fat down in the process then there’s abs-olutely (see what I did there) no hope what so ever I’m afraid, Hun.
Now, 3 things you need to know to get them babies out and ready for bikini season, which will be here before ya can say ‘muffin top’
• You can’t spot reduce body fat. It’s a no brainer. Just because you are doing 50,000 crunches and slaughtering ‘core’ and ab work doesn’t mean that you’re going to become more toned, defined, slimmer in that particular area if your body fat is over a certain percentage, it’s still too high to show the definition you’re working hard for. It’s absolutely essential that you’re doing the right kind of training- there’s a reason you’re slaughtering yourself for hours at the gym but you’re still no where near where you want to be. Maybe you WERE on a roll but you’ve stopped seeing improvements!? There’s a reason, my friend, you’re training wrong.
• You don’t have to train abs . Yep, ya heard me. You DON’T. Ya know when I train abs? Never. Unless I’m sore everywhere else and still want to go to the gym. Lifting heavy compound movements activates your abs and core a massive amount more than something like crunches or oblique twists which tend to predominantly reach the superficial (top layer) of muscle. Try adding heavy squats and deadlifts to your training. Make sure you’re training smart.
• Abs are made in the kitchen. Full Stop. You may think your diet’s ‘healthy’ Princess but if you’re not eating the right kind and right quantity of foods, you’re body composition, regardless of how much work you put in at the gym, is gunna be shite. Your macros (the amounts of protein carbs and fats) you eat are a HUGE factor in the way your body looks, the way your body systems work and utilise what your putting in to it to build muscle and therefore sexy athletic curves. Get your diet plan looked at- what’s the point throwing shit at a wall and hoping some of it sticks when you can have all the confusion taken out of doing it yourself and have something to follow, stress free!? Again, it’s a no brainer.
Ya know how I know this?
Because I used to be abs-essed with having a ‘toned tummy’ from being about 17 … and at the time not knowing what the hell I was doing started doing a million crunches and eating packets of whafer thin ham to get my protein in (makes me want to face-palm even now)
Yep I was clueless… and obviously, after smashing my abs to bits with two pairs of ankle weights on my legs every single day, my abs were no where more to be seen.
… But I’ll tell you about that another time, quite a funny story involving Britney Spears and a snake.
Now, in most instances you have got to be less than 20% body fat to have any kind of definition.
The most accurate way to determine your current body fat percentage is to have your body fat percentage tested with skin fold callipers. Which takes an average of different sites from around your body. Weight on scales doesn’t account for what your body actually looks like.
Which is exactly what I do during a consultation. If this sounds like what you need to get’cha started you can check out the info here
See, bikini season is gunna be on it’s way before you know it and I can GUARANTEE that the ask holes will be out in force with the same ol’…
‘I’ve been doing crunches everyday why do I not have a six pack?’
… take on board what I’ve told ya and implement it, write that shizzle down my friend, stick it on your wall, do what the hell you like with it.
But don’t be an ask hole.
Love Char ‘More Cocktales Coming Soon’ De Curtis xx
Ps, if you’re one of my current clients, in my Sistahood group, our tele class this month is gunna be ‘abs’ related so feel free to drop me any questions and I’ll answer them on the live class.